SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.

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You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford. Even though the Farm is globally recognized as a hub of innovation and genius, nobody could have predicted what health experts are now coining the “Stanford Malibu…

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In addition to establishing a Walgreens pharmacy inside the building at 866 Campus Drive, Vaden announced the hiring of world-renowned diagnostician Dr. Gregory House.

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SATIRE: Most bricks at and around KSig remained stationary throughout Friday evening. However, there was one such brick — perhaps on its own accord — that changed position to that of a police officer’s.

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SATIRE: “The suspect used she/her pronouns, wore glasses, had gray hair and was carrying a 100-page booklet titled ‘ResX Task Force Final Report: Our Vision for Stanford’s Undergraduate Residences,’” the officer told a possibly drunk Daily reporter.

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Harris’s plan, titled “Prosecute the Pollution,” would direct local and state law enforcement to round up carbon dioxide molecules, hold them in jail without bail and pursue life sentences without chance for parole.

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Stanford Bookstore’s “freshest” additions to its stock of dorm essentials this year features a new line of air fresheners called “Cardinal Scents.” The scents, ranging from Band Run to Naturday, are available as disposable car fresheners, aerosol sprays and essential oils. Read on for The Daily’s top picks from our new favorite aromatherapy line.

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At the height of the Cold War, Stanford designated as many as 56 fallout shelters on campus. The University managed these shelters, which collectively had a maximum occupancy of 49,269 people, as a part of emergency plans in the event of a nuclear strike or natural disaster.

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The Daily compiled a list of summer headlines to keep you informed on the great feats Stanford students are achieving!

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The CDC classifies the illness as Lanyard Seasonal Disorder, or LSD for short. Victims are most vulnerable to the neurological disorder when they first arrive on campus.

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Satire: I woke up this morning to news that Stephen Ross — CEO of the company that owns SoulCycle and Equinox — will be hosting a huge fundraiser for the re-election of Donald Trump. What am I going to do about it? I’m protesting everything, starting with SoulCycle and Equinox.

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The three bills request Hoover's inclusion in the University's IDEAL survey, restructure ASSU joint committees and implement the amendments passed by the student body in the spring election.

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Students on east campus received an email from Residential & Dining Enterprises (RD&E) late last week notifying them about “routine pest control.” In order to mitigate the rampant population of western tussock moth caterpillars on campus, grounds management utilized the six infinity stones. In a dramatic display, Grounds Manager Joshua Thanos put on the gauntlet,…

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Despite a 2005 felony conviction for sexually assaulting a minor, a registered sex offender is currently a visiting scholar in Stanford’s Economics department.

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At its second meeting of its term, the Senate discussed a bill that would strike the standing committees and completed several housekeeping items.

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Last week, Provost Persis Drell announced Stacey Bent Ph.D. ’92 will assume the role of vice provost for graduate education and postdoctoral affairs on Sept. 1.

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The whole world stopped on Tuesday afternoon when ResX Chief Executive Officer (CEO) Susie Brubaker-Cole — dressed in a black turtleneck and jeans — presented at the company’s annual media conference. The highlight of the event was the reveal of the next generation of technology: the iPhone RA Plus. “Every once in a while, a…

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Exciting news broke in Sweden over the weekend, as the Royal Swedish Academy announced that Montero Lamar Hill, professionally known as Lil Nas X, had won the Nobel Prize in literature for his smash hit “Old Town Road.” “From the sensational rhythm to the catchy lyrics, Lil Nas X has produced one of the greatest…

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At only 34.3 percent total voter turnout, the election saw only half of undergraduates participating, and only 21.9 percent of the graduate student population — numbers lower than last year’s 57.4 percent and 34.1 percent, respectively.

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Four out of the five Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) Executive slates gathered in the Black Community Services Center on Sunday afternoon to debate some of the University’s most pressing issues, from mental health services to campus social life.

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Just as election season kicks into gear, Netflix announced the acquisition of “The Real Housewives of the ASSU” from Bravo. The announcement comes just one week after the network canceled the series due to poor ratings. Netflix also has plans for a spin-off soap opera focused on the Graduate Student Council, titled, “All My Graduates.”…

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Does campus feel too big? Ever want to go to a FroSoCo party but feel its too far? In an effort to revamp campus transportation, the Board of Trustees announced an initiative to transform the current Marguerite shuttle system into a high-speed railway — modeled after the State of California’s proposal.

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Coupa Café announced an additional location in a Facebook post on Thursday evening. Starting spring quarter, the family-owned coffee business will be operating a kiosk on the other side of Hewlett 200’s revolving stage, securing its monopoly over caffeinated beverages at Stanford. “Hewlett 200 seats thousands of students each and every day,” said owner Jean…

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