We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.

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Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.

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In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.

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SATIRE: Would you have been able to tell it wasn't written by a human being?

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Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for ASSU elections last week

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In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.…

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SATIRE: In addition to updating dates, the professor also went to great lengths to ensure his syllabus included the latest edition of the textbook he authored.

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SATIRE: We did our research on this one, folks. Wikipedia says Jesus' first birth took place around 4 B.C., making this Christmas the 2,023rd birth of Jesus Christ.

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SATIRE: We compiled a list of headlines you missed while on winter break to keep you informed on the exciting things Stanford students are doing!

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SATIRE: While Stanford owned the classes for the past nine years, it and the third floor of Sweet Hall now have to translocate to Berkeley.

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SATIRE: Like the rest of campus, I, too, eagerly awaited the results of the Marriage Pact. At midnight, I anxiously opened up the email and my match was a name I didn’t recognize: Cole Brubaker-Susie.

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SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.

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You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford. Even though the Farm is globally recognized as a hub of innovation and genius, nobody could have predicted what health experts are now coining the “Stanford Malibu…

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In addition to establishing a Walgreens pharmacy inside the building at 866 Campus Drive, Vaden announced the hiring of world-renowned diagnostician Dr. Gregory House.

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SATIRE: Most bricks at and around KSig remained stationary throughout Friday evening. However, there was one such brick — perhaps on its own accord — that changed position to that of a police officer’s.

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SATIRE: “The suspect used she/her pronouns, wore glasses, had gray hair and was carrying a 100-page booklet titled ‘ResX Task Force Final Report: Our Vision for Stanford’s Undergraduate Residences,’” the officer told a possibly drunk Daily reporter.

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Harris’s plan, titled “Prosecute the Pollution,” would direct local and state law enforcement to round up carbon dioxide molecules, hold them in jail without bail and pursue life sentences without chance for parole.

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Stanford Bookstore’s “freshest” additions to its stock of dorm essentials this year features a new line of air fresheners called “Cardinal Scents.” The scents, ranging from Band Run to Naturday, are available as disposable car fresheners, aerosol sprays and essential oils. Read on for The Daily’s top picks from our new favorite aromatherapy line.

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At the height of the Cold War, Stanford designated as many as 56 fallout shelters on campus. The University managed these shelters, which collectively had a maximum occupancy of 49,269 people, as a part of emergency plans in the event of a nuclear strike or natural disaster.

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The Daily compiled a list of summer headlines to keep you informed on the great feats Stanford students are achieving!

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The CDC classifies the illness as Lanyard Seasonal Disorder, or LSD for short. Victims are most vulnerable to the neurological disorder when they first arrive on campus.

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Satire: I woke up this morning to news that Stephen Ross — CEO of the company that owns SoulCycle and Equinox — will be hosting a huge fundraiser for the re-election of Donald Trump. What am I going to do about it? I’m protesting everything, starting with SoulCycle and Equinox.

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The three bills request Hoover's inclusion in the University's IDEAL survey, restructure ASSU joint committees and implement the amendments passed by the student body in the spring election.

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