DEAR ABBY: I’ve recently come to believe that one of my professors is a member of the domestic terrorist organization known as Antifa.

•

SATIRE: Inspired by Allied-occupied Germany, the zones of occupation define varying levels of access for community members.

•

SATIRE: The logic is simple. The cost of an in-person education at Stanford last year was $52,857. It only follows, then, that the cost of a completely remote education — devoid of Stanford’s resources — should be more. Let’s say, 5% more!

•

SATIRE: “I know college is supposed to be a life-changing experience, but I just can’t throw away my 6-by-8-foot poster of Richard Petty without also throwing away who I am,” Grogan explained.

•

SATIRE: “Are you applying to the IntroSem at Full Moon on the Quad?” practices one incoming freshman. “Let’s pregame at Arrillaga — my favorite dining hall!”

•

SATIRE: “Trust me, I’m very passionate about the roundness of the Earth,” claimed one Stanford Earth professor. “But there is lots of good research funded by well-meaning science deniers, which justifies compromising our principles.”

•

Stanford RAs are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence.

•

SATIRE: “It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real.”

•

SATIRE: To help ease the transition to virtual learning, we put together a list of super fun Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face!

•

“Look, my team and I have played around a lot and we tend to think that Elmer’s ‘Washable Clear School Glue’ works best,” Newsom confidently informed reporters.

•

SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.

•

The beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970.

•

We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.

•

Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.

•

In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.

•

SATIRE: Would you have been able to tell it wasn't written by a human being?

•

Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for ASSU elections last week

•

In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.…

•

SATIRE: In addition to updating dates, the professor also went to great lengths to ensure his syllabus included the latest edition of the textbook he authored.

•

SATIRE: We did our research on this one, folks. Wikipedia says Jesus' first birth took place around 4 B.C., making this Christmas the 2,023rd birth of Jesus Christ.

•

SATIRE: We compiled a list of headlines you missed while on winter break to keep you informed on the exciting things Stanford students are doing!

•

SATIRE: While Stanford owned the classes for the past nine years, it and the third floor of Sweet Hall now have to translocate to Berkeley.

•

SATIRE: Like the rest of campus, I, too, eagerly awaited the results of the Marriage Pact. At midnight, I anxiously opened up the email and my match was a name I didn’t recognize: Cole Brubaker-Susie.

•

SATIRE: It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.

•