SATIRE: “Look, we’ve been pretty slammed with the coronavirus stuff as of late, so instead of e-mailing me a bunch of questions about the romaine lettuce you bought, just give it a little sniff and if it smells fine then it’s probably okay to eat.”

•

SATIRE: RNC chairperson Ronna McDaniel is highly critical of states that waste taxpayer money to hire and train qualified individuals to count ballots in order to ensure a free and fair election.

•

SATIRE: Researchers are being cautious and still cannot determine with full confidence if this discovery was a complete fluke or the result of decades of diligent adherence to the principles of physics, chemistry, and biology.

•

SATIRE: Johnson, who arrived at his gate seven hours early after bypassing the X-ray machine altogether, was viewed by fellow passengers as a shining example of the virtues of planning ahead of time.

•

SATIRE: The CEO of Waymo announced that the company’s latest vehicle will absolutely pull over if you two don’t cut it out back there.

•

SATIRE: Average Americans are struggling to keep up with the rising costs of prescription drugs, especially the ones that give you a wild high and result in a damaging lifelong dependency.

•

SATIRE: Director Aurelia Skipwith unequivocally stated that fish were in fact separate from wildlife, and not just one subset of wildlife as scientists previously thought.

•

Expressing concern about how prepared the class of 2020 is for the real world, U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced that the overwhelming majority of high school graduates lack the skills to properly execute a pyramid scheme.

•

Warning that the rate of species extinction is accelerating at an unprecedented pace, the United Nations released an alarming intergovernmental report on Friday admitting that, despite this rapid decline in biodiversity, we probably don’t need hagfish anyways. “This man-made ‘sixth extinction’ will have disturbing ramifications across the entire planet because all species, except for the…

•

Proclaiming that the passion has slowly faded away, a local promiscuous ant reported feeling unfulfilled in its symbiotic relationship with the nearby tree.

•

Unveiling “phase 4” of a massive congressional COVID-19 stimulus package this week, Senate Republicans announced plans for sweeping discounts on every single roll of 1-ply toilet paper that has been hoarded.

•

SATIRE: Expressing their concern for the rover’s safety and well-being, NASA’s lonely scientists admitted Tuesday that they wished InSight would Skype home every now and then. The sophisticated machine, launched from Earth almost two years ago, has barely kept in touch with its home planet.

•

Released on Monday, the study shed new light on the previously unknown sources of ocean pollution.

•

SATIRE: Previous versions of the warning system only gave a split-second heads up — leaving people only enough time to contemplate their legacy.

•

SATIRE: “It’s pretty intimidating to gallop around this country club-esque campus when you know these are hallowed fields steeped in generations of equine achievement,” said Jigsaw the horse.

•

SATIRE: McKnight, a first year Master’s student in the School of Engineering, came to this conclusion amid a month-long hangover that resulted from eight semesters of continuous binge drinking.

•

SATIRE: “We apologize for our mishandling of Ms. Miller’s request and are thus implementing a new policy that requires the University to listen patiently and intently to a survivor even though we know we’ll eventually censor them,” read an email from the Board of Trustees.

•

SATIRE: Every year, homecoming weekend sees alumni instinctively swim upstream back to main campus, where they begin studying for midterms. The mechanism of the natural phenomenon is still being uncovered by researchers.

•

SATIRE: “We’d like to congratulate each of the 50 recipients who are now contractually obligated to name their firstborn child Arrillaga,” started the press release written by Provost Persis Drell.

•

SATIRE: Sources report that Stanford has recently submitted a General Use Permit (GUP) application to the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors, asking for permission to allow the university to stage an overnight coup d'état of the entire county.

•

After an AlertSU about catalytic converter thefts was sent out to the Stanford community, it was revealed that the EPA was orchestrating these efforts to roll back the state's emissions standards

•