SATIRE: Expressing their concern for the rover’s safety and well-being, NASA’s lonely scientists admitted Tuesday that they wished InSight would Skype home every now and then. The sophisticated machine, launched from Earth almost two years ago, has barely kept in touch with its home planet.
Released on Monday, the study shed new light on the previously unknown sources of ocean pollution.
SATIRE: Previous versions of the warning system only gave a split-second heads up — leaving people only enough time to contemplate their legacy.
SATIRE: “It’s pretty intimidating to gallop around this country club-esque campus when you know these are hallowed fields steeped in generations of equine achievement,” said Jigsaw the horse.
SATIRE: McKnight, a first year Master’s student in the School of Engineering, came to this conclusion amid a month-long hangover that resulted from eight semesters of continuous binge drinking.
SATIRE: “We apologize for our mishandling of Ms. Miller’s request and are thus implementing a new policy that requires the University to listen patiently and intently to a survivor even though we know we’ll eventually censor them,” read an email from the Board of Trustees.
SATIRE: Every year, homecoming weekend sees alumni instinctively swim upstream back to main campus, where they begin studying for midterms. The mechanism of the natural phenomenon is still being uncovered by researchers.
SATIRE: “We’d like to congratulate each of the 50 recipients who are now contractually obligated to name their firstborn child Arrillaga,” started the press release written by Provost Persis Drell.
SATIRE: Sources report that Stanford has recently submitted a General Use Permit (GUP) application to the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisors, asking for permission to allow the university to stage an overnight coup d'état of the entire county.
After an AlertSU about catalytic converter thefts was sent out to the Stanford community, it was revealed that the EPA was orchestrating these efforts to roll back the state's emissions standards