SATIRE: Ladies, we’ve all been there: one minute it’s hot, the next it’s not. You’re left feeling crazy for thinking you were ever going to go back in the first place. So what are you supposed to do now?

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SATIRE: Drell and the administration are confident that Stanford students are “A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED STALLIONS” who can “GIVE AS GOOD AS THEY GET.”

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SATIRE: “Of course we value the human-shaped tools that make up the Uber fleet,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.

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SATIRE: An old man was elected as the President of the United States on Tuesday, becoming the next in a long line of old men to take the role.

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SATIRE: “Feed me, my peons… for I hunger…” grumbled a horrifying lump of metal and mottled flesh that now only vaguely resembles a 2010 Toyota Prius.

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SATIRE: “Victory or martyrdom!” cried Renner as he scheduled every single class, section, and office hours as its own event, instead of as calls recurring once a week.

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What “Infinite Jest” is about — its plot, characters and setting — isn’t all that it’s about. “Infinite Jest” is also about… itself.

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SATIRE: In the age of coronavirus, we’ve all been forced to change and adapt. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve had to outrun dozens of tiny elves that are completely invisible to others.

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I have spent the weekend reading about the protests in Columbus, Ohio, and speaking with demonstrators, as well as attending a protest myself on Sunday. The following is a summary of what has happened so far as well as a personal account of what I saw.

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SATIRE: "It’s what the frontline workers are all doing. The doctors, the — the nurses. They’re all eating them. It’s cheap, it’s effective. I’ve heard a lot of good things about eating nickels.”

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SATIRE: As millions of Democrats and Republicans alike feel disillusioned by their candidates, Independents and those representing third parties are cropping up with promises they are in no way capable of fulfilling. Here are a few.

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SATIRE: Millions of Americans were relieved to find out that today, unlike every single other day for the past three months, nothing awful has happened and it’s going to be okay.

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The hundreds of millions worldwide stuck at home in observance of shelter-in-place orders have contributed to a recent surge in online video streaming traffic, causing a global shortage of hot singles in your area as supply fails to meet demand.

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SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.

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SATIRE: We're bringing you both sides of the issue.

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After waking in his dorm room from a two-month-long coma, Jack Carlson ‘22 admitted feeling lonely on the empty campus and pretty confused about where everybody went, sources confirmed yesterday.

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A spokesperson from Biden’s campaign insisted that the decision to replace the candidate with a puppet was an informed decision made after months of planning and deliberation, not a knee-jerk reaction based on the fact that Biden could not deliver speeches if he were a corpse.

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The most recent in a series of informative but upsetting emails from the Stanford administration announced that one day, everyone you love is going to die.

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SATIRE: The entire nation has seen a shortage of Wi-Fi since the Bay Area AT&T pipeline burst in November, pumping millions of gallons of unprocessed, low fidelity internet into the ocean. The pipeline supplied crude internet to refineries that produced 87% of the nation’s Wi-Fi. As reserves nationwide run out, the University is left scrambling to replace its supply.

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SATIRE: “Somebody lost all the stocks,” explained Associate Director of Stocks and Stock Locations Meaning Where the Stocks are Kept (SSLMWSK) Carol Shingles, eyeing Kenneth Jeffries, Vice Associate Director of SSLMWSK, with contempt. “They were right here, fifteen minutes ago, and now they’re gone. Where do you think they went, Ken?” Jeffries has declined to comment.

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Director of the Stanford Asia Health Policy Program Karen Eggleston predicted that coronavirus would become a global pandemic at a talk sponsored by Bechtel International Center this Tuesday.

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SATIRE: “We won this award because we solved one of the unsolvable problems getting in the way of social good: who will sleep with us?” said developer John Snerling '22.

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Winter quarter is always when students take as many classes as possible. But, did you know it's also when you can take 30 units and reach Nirvana?

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