HUMOR: I wanted to be the one to confuse passersby with acronyms that could mean pretty much anything — Keep Stanford ‘Restling? Kayaking Seems Relevant? KISS, Stop Releasingmusicplease?

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HUMOR: Maybe the whole point of the pandemic was to take a step back and be grateful for what we do have. Sure, lots of people died, but at least I feel more self-actualized.

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HUMOR: Vice President Harris has remained supportive: She, too, misses having more time to spend on long walks with Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff.

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In the spirit of Women’s History Month, Reads beat writers suggest some of their favorite female-authored texts, each of which offers unique and complex insights into themes of gender and being a woman in the world.

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Student comedy groups struggle to find the spark over Zoom.

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HUMOR: Spinach sees the world from a totally fresh perspective, like a child’s — but in, like, a hot way.

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HUMOR: With thirty-five units of knowledge on the subject, Wang knows it's his responsibility to keep himself and any woman he views as a potential romantic or sexual partner informed.

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SATIRE: Ladies, we’ve all been there: one minute it’s hot, the next it’s not. You’re left feeling crazy for thinking you were ever going to go back in the first place. So what are you supposed to do now?

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SATIRE: Drell and the administration are confident that Stanford students are “A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED STALLIONS” who can “GIVE AS GOOD AS THEY GET.”

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SATIRE: “Of course we value the human-shaped tools that make up the Uber fleet,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.

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SATIRE: An old man was elected as the President of the United States on Tuesday, becoming the next in a long line of old men to take the role.

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SATIRE: “Feed me, my peons… for I hunger…” grumbled a horrifying lump of metal and mottled flesh that now only vaguely resembles a 2010 Toyota Prius.

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SATIRE: “Victory or martyrdom!” cried Renner as he scheduled every single class, section, and office hours as its own event, instead of as calls recurring once a week.

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What “Infinite Jest” is about — its plot, characters and setting — isn’t all that it’s about. “Infinite Jest” is also about… itself.

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SATIRE: In the age of coronavirus, we’ve all been forced to change and adapt. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve had to outrun dozens of tiny elves that are completely invisible to others.

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I have spent the weekend reading about the protests in Columbus, Ohio, and speaking with demonstrators, as well as attending a protest myself on Sunday. The following is a summary of what has happened so far as well as a personal account of what I saw.

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SATIRE: "It’s what the frontline workers are all doing. The doctors, the — the nurses. They’re all eating them. It’s cheap, it’s effective. I’ve heard a lot of good things about eating nickels.”

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SATIRE: As millions of Democrats and Republicans alike feel disillusioned by their candidates, Independents and those representing third parties are cropping up with promises they are in no way capable of fulfilling. Here are a few.

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SATIRE: Millions of Americans were relieved to find out that today, unlike every single other day for the past three months, nothing awful has happened and it’s going to be okay.

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The hundreds of millions worldwide stuck at home in observance of shelter-in-place orders have contributed to a recent surge in online video streaming traffic, causing a global shortage of hot singles in your area as supply fails to meet demand.

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SATIRE: We asked our readers to share what they've been up to while stuck inside.

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SATIRE: We're bringing you both sides of the issue.

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After waking in his dorm room from a two-month-long coma, Jack Carlson ‘22 admitted feeling lonely on the empty campus and pretty confused about where everybody went, sources confirmed yesterday.

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