SATIRE: The project is not popular with students, who doubt the safety of the hole. Many voiced concerns over whether or not there will be gravity.

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SATIRE: New this year: red glow sticks, for staring wistfully as though you know your love wasn’t meant to be, green for brief flirtatious glances, and purple for quivery slow-dance-at-the-summer-camp-formal stares.

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SATIRE: “Consider the housing crisis solved,” said Vice President for Community Relations Helen Grindle. When asked about the staff’s quality of life in the new development, she said, “I don’t see what the problem is. Where else could we possibly put them?”

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SATIRE: While still awaiting FDA approval, the arms have punctured the correct vein with at least 70% accuracy on gelatin models of human arms, making them “probably fine on real people,” according to the Office of the Vice Provost for Technology and Learning (VPTL).

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SATIRE: An expert witness accused RPM of using the same marketing tactics as Big Solvent companies during the middle school glue-sniffing epidemic of the 1990’s.

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SATIRE: “It’s a community we can trust to uphold the Standards of Excellence,” Brubaker-Cole wrote. “You get 10 Greek houses when you earn 10 Greek houses.”

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