Lana Tleimat
Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 258's Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at'

Old man wins election

SATIRE: An old man was elected as the President of the United States on Tuesday, becoming the next in a long line of old men to take the role.

A room of mirrors

What “Infinite Jest” is about — its plot, characters and setting — isn’t all that it’s about. “Infinite Jest” is also about… itself.

Stanford runs out of Wi-Fi

SATIRE: The entire nation has seen a shortage of Wi-Fi since the Bay Area AT&T pipeline burst in November, pumping millions of gallons of unprocessed, low fidelity internet into the ocean. The pipeline supplied crude internet to refineries that produced 87% of the nation’s Wi-Fi. As reserves nationwide run out, the University is left scrambling to replace its supply.

Dow Jones plummets: ‘Somebody’ misplaced all the stocks

SATIRE: “Somebody lost all the stocks,” explained Associate Director of Stocks and Stock Locations Meaning Where the Stocks are Kept (SSLMWSK) Carol Shingles, eyeing Kenneth Jeffries, Vice Associate Director of SSLMWSK, with contempt. “They were right here, fifteen minutes ago, and now they’re gone. Where do you think they went, Ken?” Jeffries has declined to comment.
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