SATIRE: In the age of coronavirus, we’ve all been forced to change and adapt. But for as long as I can remember, I’ve had to outrun dozens of tiny elves that are completely invisible to others.
I have spent the weekend reading about the protests in Columbus, Ohio, and speaking with demonstrators, as well as attending a protest myself on Sunday. The following is a summary of what has happened so far as well as a personal account of what I saw.
SATIRE: "It’s what the frontline workers are all doing. The doctors, the — the nurses. They’re all eating them. It’s cheap, it’s effective. I’ve heard a lot of good things about eating nickels.”
SATIRE: As millions of Democrats and Republicans alike feel disillusioned by their candidates, Independents and those representing third parties are cropping up with promises they are in no way capable of fulfilling. Here are a few.
SATIRE: Millions of Americans were relieved to find out that today, unlike every single other day for the past three months, nothing awful has happened and it’s going to be okay.
The hundreds of millions worldwide stuck at home in observance of shelter-in-place orders have contributed to a recent surge in online video streaming traffic, causing a global shortage of hot singles in your area as supply fails to meet demand.
After waking in his dorm room from a two-month-long coma, Jack Carlson ‘22 admitted feeling lonely on the empty campus and pretty confused about where everybody went, sources confirmed yesterday.
A spokesperson from Biden’s campaign insisted that the decision to replace the candidate with a puppet was an informed decision made after months of planning and deliberation, not a knee-jerk reaction based on the fact that Biden could not deliver speeches if he were a corpse.
The most recent in a series of informative but upsetting emails from the Stanford administration announced that one day, everyone you love is going to die.
SATIRE: The entire nation has seen a shortage of Wi-Fi since the Bay Area AT&T pipeline burst in November, pumping millions of gallons of unprocessed, low fidelity internet into the ocean. The pipeline supplied crude internet to refineries that produced 87% of the nation’s Wi-Fi. As reserves nationwide run out, the University is left scrambling to replace its supply.
SATIRE: “Somebody lost all the stocks,” explained Associate Director of Stocks and Stock Locations Meaning Where the Stocks are Kept (SSLMWSK) Carol Shingles, eyeing Kenneth Jeffries, Vice Associate Director of SSLMWSK, with contempt. “They were right here, fifteen minutes ago, and now they’re gone. Where do you think they went, Ken?” Jeffries has declined to comment.
Director of the Stanford Asia Health Policy Program Karen Eggleston predicted that coronavirus would become a global pandemic at a talk sponsored by Bechtel International Center this Tuesday.
SATIRE: “We won this award because we solved one of the unsolvable problems getting in the way of social good: who will sleep with us?” said developer John Snerling '22.
Winter quarter is always when students take as many classes as possible. But, did you know it's also when you can take 30 units and reach Nirvana?
Drell will continue to teach the course next year, due to it having 100% positive Carta reviews, which may or may not be attributable to her intimidating silhouette like that of a bird of prey.
SATIRE: The Oscars are this weekend, which can only mean one thing: people are upset about the Oscars.
SATIRE: Sorry New York Times — our endorsement is practical, likeable and magic. Read more about why we think Marianne Williamson should be our next president.
SATIRE: The project is not popular with students, who doubt the safety of the hole. Many voiced concerns over whether or not there will be gravity.
SATIRE: New this year: red glow sticks, for staring wistfully as though you know your love wasn’t meant to be, green for brief flirtatious glances, and purple for quivery slow-dance-at-the-summer-camp-formal stares.
SATIRE: “Consider the housing crisis solved,” said Vice President for Community Relations Helen Grindle. When asked about the staff’s quality of life in the new development, she said, “I don’t see what the problem is. Where else could we possibly put them?”
SATIRE: While still awaiting FDA approval, the arms have punctured the correct vein with at least 70% accuracy on gelatin models of human arms, making them “probably fine on real people,” according to the Office of the Vice Provost for Technology and Learning (VPTL).