Leaked Stanford ad reveals University is prepared for another cycle of recruitment
The University is preparing for any changes in enrollment given its newly announced plans.
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Benjamin Midler
A chronic anachronism, Benjamin enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. Benjamin is planning on majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanford.edu
Vice Provost Harry Elam unmasked as Willy Wonka
Several weeks ago, Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education Harry J. Elam, Jr. announced that 12 summer courses would be offered free of charge to 300 students who will be selected by raffle.
SCANDAL AT THE FOHO 🤯🤭(NOT CLICKBAIT)
We at The Daily believe these findings to constitute the most blatant violation of trust we have ever seen.
Administration turns to Box Tops to make up budget shortfall
SATIRE: "I’ve done the math, and if we each eat 200 boxes of Cheerios between now and the start of fall quarter we should be able to make up the lost money.”
Stanford establishes contingency for renaming Arrillaga buildings, runs out of names
The administration, after coming under immense pressure to rename Jordan Hall in light of its namesake’s historic support of the eugenics movement, has begun to put in place contingency measures in case any other buildings need to be renamed.
Housing front desk ships belongings to Marriage Pact match
SATIRE: “When I left campus I didn’t realize I’d be gone for all of Spring Quarter,” said Felipe Flake '23 when explaining his desire to be reunited with his possessions. “I just can’t go that long without my teddy bear. Oh, and my edibles.”
President and provost take pay cuts; savings to go to underpaid football coach
Provost Persis Drell and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne both took voluntary salary reductions to fund an employee who really needed it: David Shaw.
Hopkins Marine Station captured by pirates
In a startling turn of events, the Hopkins Marine Station in Monterey, California was captured by pirates last weekend.
Moth yeets itself at Hoover Tower light, dies
Last week, in what was described by Stanford Facilities Management Department (SFMD) authorities as a routine procedure, the light at the top of Hoover Tower was replaced. “It was getting old and was horribly inefficient,” said May Entanance, director of the SFMD. The new light, which is manufactured by a local Bay Area company, was…
Government renewed for another season after finale ratings spike
The latest season of the U.S. government is yet to conclude, but, after last week’s riveting impeachment trial, the show’s producers have already announced their intentions to renew the blockbuster TV hit for another season.
‘Unbecoming’ student serves professor cease and desist after failed midterm
SATIRE: The letter, which claims that the failing grade constitutes defamation, insisted it be raised to “at least 69 percent—or a D+” per Stanford’s grade guidelines.
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Five-star Uber rating comes between siblings
SATIRE: For those students with five-star passenger ratings, finding someone with whom to share an Uber is not so simple.
MTL pardons California tiger salamander for Thanksgiving
SATIRE: Yesterday, a spokesperson for President Mark Tessier-Lavigne announced that, just as the president of the U.S. pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, the president of Stanford will pardon a California tiger salamander to stop Arrillaga Dining from using it as a meat substitute.
Upperclassmen, tired of being woken by rollouts, remove all doors in FloMo
SATIRE: Stanford’s open-door alcohol policy will now have 100 percent adherence in FloMo, as upperclassmen have removed all the doors in the complex.
Frosh successfully casts off high school social awkwardness with scavenger hunt tattoo
SATIRE: The frosh is doomed, so it seemed, to be trapped in a cage of their own making — a cage constructed of color-coded notebooks, thick glasses and introversion. That is, until Ronny Santanac went on his dorm’s traditional San Francisco scavenger hunt last weekend, and got a tattoo.
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