SATIRE: He persisted despite desperate pleas from Dr. Biden that teleprompters don’t have pages. “America...must...turn over...a new page,” President Biden could be heard mumbling.

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SATIRE: In California, the administration of the coronavirus vaccine has hit a healthcare worker bottleneck: There simply aren’t enough nurses and doctors to stab people in the arm. A recent initiative seeks to remedy this problem by employing the unique talents of fourth graders who like stabbing themselves with pencils.

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SATIRE: Players stood in a circle, each holding a plastic cup. An assistant coach standing nearby would blow his whistle at regular intervals, with all the players sneezing into their cups on cue then passing each cup to the right.

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The Hoover Institution has been inquiring incessantly about the fate of the now available Jordan hall name.

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SATIRE: Lead researcher and Chem 33 professor John Kimble explained that the initial breakthrough for this monumental discovery — dubbed Nofunium — came to him while grading quizzes.

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SATIRE: With the start of an unprecedented quarter, many students are taking comfort from even the little signs of normalcy. The weekly arrival of emails from Cardinal Nights brings such a taste of pre-pandemic life, as does throwing those unopened messages in the trash.

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In a recent press release, Pepsi Co., once the sixth largest naval power in the world, announced that, as a publicity stunt for their new Smokey, BBQ Flavor Doritos™, they had released 300 metric tons of atomized BBQ Doritos into the atmosphere above San Francisco.

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The University is preparing for any changes in enrollment given its newly announced plans.

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Several weeks ago, Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education Harry J. Elam, Jr. announced that 12 summer courses would be offered free of charge to 300 students who will be selected by raffle.

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We at The Daily believe these findings to constitute the most blatant violation of trust we have ever seen.

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SATIRE: "I’ve done the math, and if we each eat 200 boxes of Cheerios between now and the start of fall quarter we should be able to make up the lost money.”

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The administration, after coming under immense pressure to rename Jordan Hall in light of its namesake’s historic support of the eugenics movement, has begun to put in place contingency measures in case any other buildings need to be renamed.

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SATIRE: “When I left campus I didn’t realize I’d be gone for all of Spring Quarter,” said Felipe Flake '23 when explaining his desire to be reunited with his possessions. “I just can’t go that long without my teddy bear. Oh, and my edibles.”

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Provost Persis Drell and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne both took voluntary salary reductions to fund an employee who really needed it: David Shaw.

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In a startling turn of events, the Hopkins Marine Station in Monterey, California was captured by pirates last weekend.

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Last week, in what was described by Stanford Facilities Management Department (SFMD) authorities as a routine procedure, the light at the top of Hoover Tower was replaced. “It was getting old and was horribly inefficient,” said May Entanance, director of the SFMD. The new light, which is manufactured by a local Bay Area company, was…

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The latest season of the U.S. government is yet to conclude, but, after last week’s riveting impeachment trial, the show’s producers have already announced their intentions to renew the blockbuster TV hit for another season.

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SATIRE: The letter, which claims that the failing grade constitutes defamation, insisted it be raised to “at least 69 percent—or a D+” per Stanford’s grade guidelines.

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SATIRE: For those students with five-star passenger ratings, finding someone with whom to share an Uber is not so simple.

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SATIRE: Yesterday, a spokesperson for President Mark Tessier-Lavigne announced that, just as the president of the U.S. pardons a turkey for Thanksgiving, the president of Stanford will pardon a California tiger salamander to stop Arrillaga Dining from using it as a meat substitute.

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SATIRE: Stanford’s open-door alcohol policy will now have 100 percent adherence in FloMo, as upperclassmen have removed all the doors in the complex.

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SATIRE: The frosh is doomed, so it seemed, to be trapped in a cage of their own making — a cage constructed of color-coded notebooks, thick glasses and introversion. That is, until Ronny Santanac went on his dorm’s traditional San Francisco scavenger hunt last weekend, and got a tattoo.

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