Humor by Ben Lees
1. The mass-extinction-causing meteor impact
It might seem like a 300-ton celestial object hurtling through the atmosphere at 12 kilometers a second, destroying every structure in half of California and creating a dust cloud that will block out the sun for months, would result in the cancellation of the Big Game, but the NCAA seems unconcerned.
2. The rain of blood from the sky
Ancient civilizations might have looked at the millions of gallons of human blood pouring from the heavens and seen it as some sort of ill omen of the future. Fortunately, we live in more enlightened times.
3. Arrillaga lunch
It’s just never really all that good. I’m surprised they’re letting the Big Game go forward alongside such a disappointment.
4. The alien invasion
It would be completely reasonable if the alien spaceships hovering over the Earth, eliminating monuments with careless precision, were considered enough of a threat to at least postpone the Big Game. Yet, absent any official announcement to date, the game is still set to proceed.
5. Jack West’s Homework
Quarterback Jack West, a senior majoring in American Studies, has a ton of homework that week. Are you sure we can’t, like, push it back a couple days?
6. The Big One
Not to be confused with the Big Game. You know what I mean. The long-anticipated earthquake that’s supposed to wipe out half the West Coast? One might expect it to be mutually exclusive with the Big Game, but it turns out nobody cares about this either.
7. The sound of crickets
They don’t have these things in Seattle, and they really get on my nerves. It’s like they’re judging me or something.
8. The fact that Cal will lose
We’ve all read the writing on the wall. You know it, I know it — heck, every Cal student knows it too. Why do we even bother going through this charade every year? It would be more humane simply to spare them, but alas, the NCAA has once again failed to show even a modicum of mercy. Oh, well — maybe next year.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.