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Need a career change? Become my personal assistant

Humor by

Let me guess. You just spent a year in isolation, doing the whole Zoom University thing, and have just discovered that you actually hate your major and would rather scroll on TikTok for three straight hours. Or maybe the sound of working a corporate job makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit? Either way, it’s time for a little change.

If this sounds like you, then do I have a great proposition: Become my personal assistant. Let me explain to you why it’s better than majoring in beep boop science or management, science and engineering.

For one, it is not as time-intensive as you might think, and since you’ve already stuck around with Zoom University for this long, you definitely possess the patience needed. Here are some reasons you should consider becoming my personal assistant:

You hate your current life/career trajectory.

Enough said.

Being my personal assistant has few responsibilities.

Sure, you might have to make a few coffee runs, but other than that the job requires very little from you. Everyday responsibilities include things like reading the 300 pages of readings I’m assigned and giving me a TLDR, reading through my emails, advising me on outfit-of-the-days, picking up my order from TAP and correctly sorting my trash. It’s not as tough as you’d imagine. It’s basically stuff you do in your day-to-day life.

The job has its perks.

You can treat yourself to Starbucks while you’re at it, and if you steal a waffle fry or two, I won’t notice. 

Yes, you can put this on your resume.

And I can write a mean recommendation letter, too.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Richard Coca '22 has previously served as editor of The Grind for volume 258, managing editor of Satire in vol. 257, and CLIP Co-chair in vol. 255. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at rcoca 'at' stanforddaily.com.