The Unethicist is a column where Michelle Fu (who has never taken an ethics class) gives you questionably ethical advice.

Dear Unethicist, it has become horrifyingly apparent that my little sister is now taller than me. Am I in the wrong if I do something about it? — Short Sibling

Yes. But that’s what we’re here for! 

Let’s start with things you can do to boost your own height. Consider hairstyles that add some artificial inches: A mohawk? A pompadour? Perhaps a tower of buns? Wear platform shoes at all times. Or try stilts. Fill your wardrobe with enough vertical stripes to make a bar code jealous. 

But if you really want to establish true height superiority over your sister, you’ll have to make her shorter. Scatter pins and Legos around the house until she walks with her eyes trained downwards at all times. Next, you’ll want to chip away at her self esteem, hurling enough insults that her posture becomes hunched and her shoulders slouched (at this point you should mention that she looks terrible in heels). If all else fails, go for the drastic measures: Discreetly sandpaper her room and wait for the inches to be slowly shaved off. 

Good luck! 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Need chaotic advice? Contact Michelle Fu at mfu ‘at’ stanforddaily.org.