Inaugural address halted as Biden tries to read teleprompter by following along with index finger

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Wednesday was an historic day as America traded up from one elderly white man to another. President Biden’s inaugural address, however, was interrupted as the 78-year-old 46th president, about to stumble over his words, tried to use his index finger to follow along on the teleprompter.

“It wasn’t dignified,” said Judy Doom, a retired manicurist from the boondocks of whichever Dakota doesn’t have Mount Rushmore. “Dragging his finger across the screen like that, leaving smudges. Yick.”

Asked to comment, our newly-minted president insisted that this incident proves he has complete use of all ten fingers. “I can do whatever I want!” he exclaimed. “Eat a corn dog, a hot dog, a hot dog where the bun is just two corn dogs — there is no hot dog/corn dog combination that you can eat that I cannot with these bad boys.” He began twiddling his fingers.

Towards the end of the speech, President Biden also reportedly licked his thumb and forefinger and attempted to turn a page on the teleprompter. He persisted despite desperate pleas from Dr. Biden that teleprompters don’t have pages. “America…must…turn over…a new page,” President Biden could be heard mumbling.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanford.edu