Inaugural address halted as Biden tries to read teleprompter by following along with index finger

Humor by

Wednesday was an historic day as America traded up from one elderly white man to another. President Biden’s inaugural address, however, was interrupted as the 78-year-old 46th president, about to stumble over his words, tried to use his index finger to follow along on the teleprompter.

“It wasn’t dignified,” said Judy Doom, a retired manicurist from the boondocks of whichever Dakota doesn’t have Mount Rushmore. “Dragging his finger across the screen like that, leaving smudges. Yick.”

Asked to comment, our newly-minted president insisted that this incident proves he has complete use of all ten fingers. “I can do whatever I want!” he exclaimed. “Eat a corn dog, a hot dog, a hot dog where the bun is just two corn dogs — there is no hot dog/corn dog combination that you can eat that I cannot with these bad boys.” He began twiddling his fingers.

Towards the end of the speech, President Biden also reportedly licked his thumb and forefinger and attempted to turn a page on the teleprompter. He persisted despite desperate pleas from Dr. Biden that teleprompters don’t have pages. “America…must…turn over…a new page,” President Biden could be heard mumbling.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

While you're here...

We're a student-run organization committed to providing hands-on experience in journalism, digital media and business for the next generation of reporters. Your support makes a difference in helping give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to develop important professional skills and conduct meaningful reporting. All contributions are tax-deductible.


Get Our EmailsGet Our Emails

A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at'