“Hawley, the junior senator from Missouri, was described by one of his history professors at Stanford University as ‘among the two or three most gifted students I have taught in more than half a century at Stanford.’” – MSNBC, Hayes Brown

“Who? ‘John Holly’? Yeah … I don’t — I don’t think that rings any bells.” – Serious College Girlfriend of Three Years (’02)

“If evil and white privilege were twins, and then those twins incestuously had a baby, that baby would be Josh Hawley.” – Unnamed Classmate (Suspected to be Josh Hawley’s mom)

“He had this theory that the string of bicycle thefts was part of a larger unicycle-supremacist conspiracy called QUnicycle. And their goals were getting rid of all two-wheeled bikes and, weirdly, also child sex trafficking. I really think he was just stealing the bikes — I saw him doing it once. I just don’t know what he was doing with them.” – QUnicycle Denier (’02)

“I don’t want to talk about it.” – Bike

“He thought ‘white privilege’ was a Bed, Bath, and Beyond winter candle.” – An Attempted ‘Men’s Studies’ Major (’02)

“I love that guy!” – Harbinger of Evil, SCR President (’01)

“[Josh Hawley is] what would happen if a rat switched bodies with a frat guy, and then over the course of his life progressively turned back into a rat — and the only way to ward off the rat was by wearing skinny jeans.” – Guy That Really Hates Rats (’02)

“We called him Anti-Semitic Jimmy Neutron, Missouri’s Worst Compromise, Doug, Satan’s Step-Son Doug … ” – Former President of Tri-Six Fraternity (’00)

“He didn’t talk a lot, except when he was asleep. He used to shout, ‘The British are coming. The British are coming.’ It was funny until I realized he was saying it in a German accent.’” – Freshman Year Roommate (’02)

“We tried putting him up for adoption. No one wanted him.” – The Stanford Review

“He used to say, ‘When you’re Josh Hawley, every day’s a Hawley-day,’ and if that kind of wordplay isn’t evil, I don’t know what is [silent crying].” – Woman in Intense Therapy (’01)

“Meyer Green was flat before he showed up. Then, he decided he liked sitting there and every time he did it moved a little closer to Hell.” – Flat-Earther-Who’s-Right-For-Once (’01)

“A little too comfortable with blood on his hands.” – Hookup (Gave no identifying details and used a voice modulator)

“I don’t think you’re understanding how tight these jeans were — any time someone would bring up, I don’t know, the ‘fall of democracy,’ for example, you could see the outline of his dictator.” – Anti-Dictator-and-Really-Really-Anti-Insurrection-Activist (’02)

“ … Guy Who Eats Sushi with a Fork, First Frat Boy of the Apocalypse, Former Boy Band Member Who’s Now a Boy Band Lawyer, Guy Who Wrote a Missed Connection for Himself and a Thinned-Lipped Weasel in Khakis. That’s all that I can remember right now.” – Former President of Tri-Six Fraternity (Recently pardoned by the Trump Administration)

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.