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Classics majors feel threatened by movement to abolish Stanford Greek life

Satire by

Comprising more than 0.01% of Stanford’s undergraduate student body, classics majors learn about various aspects of ancient Greek and Latin culture. Since most people are unaware this demographic even exists, they are typically unbothered and rarely express opinions about the University. However, with the growing sentiment that Stanford should abolish Greek life on campus, classics scholars have become furious with the Stanford administration.

The Undergraduate Senate and Graduate Student Council recently held a meeting to discuss the potential de-housing of Greek life at Stanford. At the meeting, the organization Abolish Stanford Greek (ASG) proposed a resolution to redistribute Greek-affiliated houses along the Row to historically marginalized groups. Many classics majors have already voiced their discontent, questioning where they will live if Greek life is required to relocate off campus. 

In response to the frustrations of classics majors, Abolish Stanford Greek suggested that Greek houses on the Row be moved into columns instead. “Given that columns were such an integral part of Greek architecture, we figured that this solution would help support students in Greek life during this transition,” one ASG spokesperson explained.

Perhaps even more than classics majors, Greek students themselves are also upset about the campaign to abolish Greek life. To better understand how this ethnic group felt about the movement, The Occasionally reached out to second-year graduate student Achilles Angelopolous, who strongly expressed his sentiment on the subject matter:

“Abolish Stanford Greek is a ridiculous organization. Does my life not matter at all? I know that Greek people have white privilege and occasionally exclaim ‘opa,’ but it hurts to know that my community does not value me as a human being.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lorenzo Del Rosario at lorenzak ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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