Satire by Emma Parsons
Party City announced on Monday, via Nancy Pelosi’s Twitter, that they are unveiling a new “Sexy Witch McConnell” costume. The gender-neutral ensemble includes fishnet stockings, a checkered skin-tight unitard, a witch’s hat and a rubberized mask of a literal turtle-face spray painted white. Kids’ and babies’ sizes are also available!
While costumes may not seem necessary this year, Party City promises that this new outfit is perfect for sitting on your couch and watching the world burn down in a few fiery Walmart-brand TikToks. The webpage also adds, “In this scenario, is it directly the costume’s fault that the world is on fire? Probably not. Does it fan the flames? Absolutely.”
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — who explained that she’s been trying to break into stand-up comedy — reached out to The Occasionally to comment on “Sexy Witch McConnell.”
“It’s the kind of costume that gives you the confidence to shut down the party … and government,” she said, clearly having spent hours preparing material beforehand, but still having difficultly with timing. “The kind of costume that gives you the confidence to … ‘filibust-a-move’ on your own … wait for it … Bill.”
(At this moment, we would like to formally apologize for even transcribing the phrase “filibust-a-move.” It made us just as profoundly uncomfortable to write as, we assume, it made you to read. We think that Secretary Clinton was making a rather obscure reference to a 2012 incident in which Senator McConnell filibustered his own bill. But we can’t be sure.)
Later, we received a message from an anonymous online reviewer, who we’re pretty sure was still Secretary Clinton. The reviewer said, “The ‘Sexy Witch McConnell’ costume has a body that says, ‘I own my sexuality,’ and a face that says, ‘Not if I have anything to do with it.’” And, you know what? We’ll give Secretary Clinton that one — pretty good.
To gauge a wider public reaction to the costume, but mostly to get the lingering taste of “filibust-a-move” out of our mouth, we asked Stanford students about another important aspect of the situation: “Did you know that Mitch McConnell’s first name is Addison?”
“No, I didn’t,” Taylor Meyers ’22 said. “Wow. I still don’t agree with him on anything … but that’s a really cool name.”
In fact, a Twitter user with the handle @SenateDaddyAddy has been particularly outspoken about the “Sexy Witch McConnell” costume — tweeting that the costume is “cool,” “underappreciated” and “actually smells fine.” For the sake of transparency, however, the user then did go on to aggressively cyberbully Taylor Swift, the cast of Queer Eye and a “cocky blue-eyed blobfish.”
Finally, we spoke to the newly rebranded Addison McConnell who denied claims that he would be wearing the costume this year. “Can’t do it four years in a row,” he said. Instead, though, he explained that, as part of a couple’s costume with Lindsay Graham, he would be spending Halloween as one half of an avocado. The two were excited to spend the evening watching Secretary Clinton’s new Netflix comedy special, “Hillaryous.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Emma Parsons at eparsons ‘at’ stanford.edu.