Satire by Simran Tandon
In the wake of the recent decision to rename Jordan Hall, the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at Vaden Health Services took the opportunity to rename itself as well. As a part of its current initiative to reach more students during these unprecedented times, it has decided to rebrand itself as Stanford Missed Connections.
The organization formerly known as CAPS was often described by students as “awful” and “literally the worst” and, in a particularly passionate response, “I would rather look into the gaping maw of an enraged hippopotamus than schedule another appointment with them.” The administration of the new Stanford Missed Connections believes these reviews can primarily be chalked up to the boring and misleading nature of its former name. The organization appears to be confident that the name change will lead to more students using its services, and is currently working on no other changes to the way it operates.
“I think ‘Counseling and Psychological Services’ implied to people that we were here to help,” explained Joanna Richards, an administrative assistant at Vaden. “And that’s just not true.”
Some of you may be aware of a popular account on social media that already bears this name. According to Richards, this resemblance is purposeful.
“We figured that if students were completely fine with spilling their guts about their innermost feelings and regrets on the internet under ‘Stanford Missed Connections,’ they would probably be fine doing the same thing with one of our trained mental health professionals,” she noted.
Richards spelled out the plan of the new Stanford Missed Connections, telling The Occasionally that “our hope is that students will find our website thinking we are the other Stanford Missed Connections and sign up for one of our services. By the time they realize who we really are, they’ll already be trapped in our bureaucratic hell of a scheduling system with no hope of escape.”
From now on, The Occasionally recommends that students be wary about which Stanford Missed Connections they are sharing their hottest takes and deepest secrets with.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Simran Tandon at simrant ‘at’ stanford.edu.