New startup matches couples based on midterm grades

Satire by

A new dating app matches couples based on their midterm grades in key courses. Founder Lindsey Ham ’21 explained that the app uses University data (RIP Carta) to make profiles with students’ grades in Math 51, CS 106A and Chem 33. 

The Daily asked Ham how the app works for social science and humanities majors who may have not taken those courses.

“It doesn’t. Bye bye, little birds,” Ham cackled. 

The app, called Elitism, matches together students with similar grades. Once a couple is matched, they have a chance to review each other’s academic resumes. If both parties like what they see, they can approve the match and start talking to their potential lover. 

User Bennet Gene ’22, loves the app so far.

“I don’t want to date any dummies. I came to Stanford to meet people with good SAT scores and toxic study habits, is that too much to ask?” Gene confirmed that this attitude has not made him popular among peers, with some even calling him “obnoxious.”

Ham hopes that in the future the app can evolve to include features that filter by how many units students are taking per quarter, or how many times they have pulled all-nighters. She believes that all Stanford students deserve to find “the perfect over-achieving workaholic life partner.” 

The Daily asked the University if they were concerned about the app.

“Not at all,” said University spokesperson Hannah Glen. “This app fuels that alarmingly competitive spirit we love to see.”

Ham doesn’t see any issues with the app either.

“I already asked all my Tinder swipes to send me a copy of their transcript anyway,” she explained. “This just streamlines that process.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Kirsten Mettler '23 writes satire and opinions for the Daily. She is interested in political science, law and justice, and occasionally dabbles in theater.