Satire by Charlie Kogen
This past week The New York Times published a series of reports about the tax returns of President Donald Trump, revealing that Trump paid zero federal income tax for 10 out of the past 15 years. However, this may not technically be true. The Occasionally has received exclusive information from multiple sources alleging that in 2012, the president sent a toaster strudel to the IRS, hoping it would suffice as his federal income tax.
Sources close to Trump attest to his love of Plop Tarts™, an off-brand breakfast pastry only sold in Azerbaijan.
“Trump probably got his first Plop Tarts™ from his business associates in Baku,” said former Trump foreign policy advisor George Rasmussen. “There isn’t a single politician over there who doesn’t reek of strawberry filling.”
Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen claims that he strongly advised Trump against the scheme.
“I told him that they may be delicious, but they wouldn’t get the IRS off his back,” Cohen said.
Despite Cohen’s guidance, Trump was adamant about the strudel.
“[Trump] threatened to cut my paycheck in half if I didn’t go along with him, so I did,” Cohen said. “That schmuck ended up cutting my pay anyway, and I still never got to taste one of the damned strudels.”
IRS employee Cheryl McLaughlin corroborates Cohen’s claims, allegedly having received a package of Plop Tarts™ on her desk in April 2012.
“I remember thinking the whole thing was bizarre. Why would Donald Trump, supposedly one of the richest men in the world, send us these knock-off Pop Tarts with weird Russian writing on them? I wasn’t sure if it was serious or if he was just taunting us,” McLaughlin said. “But either way, those things were delicious. 10/10 recommend.”
Trump has responded to these claims, denouncing them as false.
“This is all fake news. I can afford real brand-name Pop Tarts, believe me. If I had to pay millions and millions of dollars for a Pop Tart, I would still have KFC money to spare,” Trump said. “And if Washington actually worked, then the Pop Tarts would have come back to me. Toasted.”
Some of Trump’s lesser known tax deductions include $10,000 for Kars4Kids, $6,700 for “Free Boner Pillz” and $5,000 for “Hot MILFs in [His] Area.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Charlie Kogen at kogen ‘at’ stanford.edu.