Satire by Jesse Perlmutter
The first day of fall quarter is quickly approaching, and usually that means taking the annual trip to Staples or Target for back-to-school shopping. But just as COVID-19 has changed the college experience, so too has it changed our back-to-school necessities for the 2020-2021 school year. The Daily has compiled a list of five essentials that every student should get before logging on to their first class.
- Quick Dry towels to dry your tears
A strong contender for 2020’s theme song is Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River,” and with COVID-19 cases on the rise, the tears aren’t stopping anytime soon. To prevent flooding your dorm or bedroom with tears, Bed Bath and Beyond’s new quick-dry towels got you covered. The towels’ tight-knit fibers and extra-durable fabric are guaranteed to prevent leaks after your mini-meltdown. In a pinch, the $14.99 towels can even double as a snuggly blanket.
- “Pants Required Beyond This Point” door poster for family members who unexpectedly walk in on your Zoom calls
Staying home for the quarter? You might join the group of unlucky students who are too familiar with the heart-stopping fear of catching your pantless dad as he traipses past your Zoom camera’s view on his way to the kitchen. Even though your relationships with those unfortunate viewers may be damaged forever, there is a way to prevent any more of these embarrassing moments with new professors or bosses. For only $10.99, you can buy a “Pants Required Beyond This Point” door sign from Target, which is guaranteed to ensure fewer humiliating moments on Zoom calls during your quarters spent at home.
- Cheap beer-scented air fresheners to bring you back to Friday nights on the Row
With social distancing guidelines, frat parties aren’t likely any time soon — but this beer-scented air freshener is sure to bring you back to those nostalgic times. The freshener, available on Amazon for $9.99, comes in three different scents: Bud Light, Corona and Coors. One online review from Stanford student Chad Tyler ’22 in Gamma Zeta Alpha wrote, “Worth every scent. Haha lol. Nothing better than putting this bad boy on and chilling in my beach chair for an hour.”
- @Home DIY Tailgate Kit
On Aug. 11, the Pac-12 Conference announced that it has postponed all sports through the end of the year, which unfortunately means no Stanford game days. But, with the @Home DIY Tailgate Kit, available on dormify.com for $45.99, students can still have the best part of football season. Each kit includes tapes of last year’s college football games, a Chick-fil-A gift card and three cardboard cutouts that you can paste your friends’ faces on so you don’t feel bad about drinking alone.
- A one-way plane ticket to New Zealand, just in case things go awry
If Stanford does shut down and all students are sent home, investing $758 in a one-way plane ticket to New Zealand might be the way to go. These past few months have definitely given every family adequate bonding time, and for many, another quarter at home would be unbearable. Remote learning from the shores of New Zealand could be the safest bet.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Jesse Perlmutter at jesseperl24 ‘at’ gmail.com.