Satire by Patrick Curnin-Shane
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has weighed in with a positive take on Trump’s noticeably reduced presence around the capital. Smiling wryly, the Speaker added, “I was really praying over his health, but now, I’m not so worried about him.”
These remarks came after weeks of rapt anticipation for the Speaker’s statement. After all, the only thing anyone could talk about was the president’s shrinkage.
Some experts believe that the epidemic and the stress it is bringing the president explains his apparent withering. As Dr. Anthony Fauci observed, “with the added stress of this national health crisis in which thousands of Americans die every day, Trump is only able to hit the links once or twice a week. This is a major cutback in the president’s free time that might be one reason for his deteriorated health.”
“If he is going to get his former strength back,” Dr. Deborah Birx had advised, “he may need to get out more, dump the hamburgers and stop pushing away more nutritious and diverse cuisines.”
The White House personal physician is advising the president to slow down his weight loss. He said, “It’s possible the president doesn’t know the harm he could be doing to himself. It seems that most of the weight is coming out of his base. Of course, the base is one of the most important muscles for any political candidate, and atrophy there can be crippling.”
In other less important news, Trump is losing significant popularity due to COVID-19.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Curnin-Shane at patrick.curninshane ‘at’ mastersny.org.