Satire by Ruslan AlJabari
After announcing that Row houses will be used for quarantine, R&DE has recently informed us that they will be using the president’s house as a possible housing option for incoming frosh and sophomores as a part of the Draw 2.0.
“We really struggled with figuring out how we can still maintain a tier system when most of the tier one options were not going to be used for normal housing” said an R&DE spokesperson. “Not only do you get to live in one of the best houses ever, you also get MTL as your friendly neighborhood RA,” they added.
Facing this news, students now have to readjust their prospective housing plans to take into account the new tier zero housing option. “I was really sold on pre-assigning to Crothers, but this changes everything!” commented a student.
According to insider sources at R&DE, the housing option will only be available to students that have investments in the fossil fuel industry and who pass a few interview rounds to be accepted.
We were also told that there’s potential to reuse other faculty and admin housing for the new Draw system. “Yeah, we wanted to provide our customers — I mean our students — with more housing options,” elaborated further the R&DE spokesperson.
While it’s not clear which houses will be available for students to rank, we speculate to see some wacky options like the Hewlett Packard Garage and a pre-assign program with Stanford’s School of Engineering’s very own Persis S. Drell (where she will presumably be trying to explain what a Provost is).
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Ruslan at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.