Satire by Patrick Curnin-Shane
Following his historic decision to run for president, Kanye West has announced his first policy proposal: change the national anthem. On the heels of his widely acclaimed song “Lift Yourself,” West is proposing the anthem be changed to an infamous lyric from that song: “Poopy-di scoop Scoop-diddy-whoop Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop Poop-di-scoopty Scoopty-whoop Whoopity-scoop, whoop-poop Poop-diddy, whoop-scoop Poop, poop Scoop-diddy-whoop Whoop-diddy-scoop Whoop-diddy-scoop, poop.”
While there are multiple other, more coherent stanzas in the song, West has decided that those other lyrics would not be included in the anthem. On why he’s only including part of the song, West said “those other lyrics are irrelevant, most of the meaning is packed into “poop di scoop.”
When asked for an opinion, first lady Kim Kardashian revealed she had none of any depth.
When asked why he chose this song, West reported that “i4t’s probably the greatest thing ever written. That means it’s probably the greatest thing I’ve ever written, next to the Bible.”
While polling the public on their opinions of Kanye, the largest population that indicated they would vote for him are those below the age of four. This is likely due to the pleasing phonetics of the new National Anthem. One toddler added “Whoopity-scoop.”
Contact Patrick Curnin-Shane at patrick.curninshane ‘at’ mastersny.org.