Satire by Prithi Srinivasan
With temperatures hitting record highs in California, Florida and Arizona, members of ICE, more colloquially known as “Immigrants Can’t Exist”, have found it increasingly difficult to gratuitously arrest and deport international students and workers — much like their water-based namesake, their bodies have been turning into liquid when exposed to heat.
“It’s definitely a lot harder to grab and cuff someone when you’re lying in a puddle on the ground,” said former ICE Deportation Officer and current water bottle inhabitant, Fred Johnson.
Witnesses have described the phenomenon as a slow melting that takes place from the feet up, causing the officers to sink into the ground as their bodies turn to steaming soup. Some have even noticed the officers screaming phrases like “I’m melting!” followed by a flash mob chorus of various bystanders singing “Ding dong, the witch is dead.”
“It was almost out of a movie,” said a student who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of detention. “I mean, I knew they were wicked, but I didn’t expect them to be actual witches!”
ICE has attempted to develop protective measures for their employees, including a new uniform aimed at protecting them from direct sunlight. The uniform includes a floor-length black cloak and a tall pointed hat with a brim wide enough to cover their faces.
Despite these advancements, the efforts are still proving ineffective: the officers continue to liquify like racist ice cream cones left outside for too long.
It seems that until this supposed problem can be addressed, ICE will not be detaining anyone for the time being, though it is unlikely that anyone will be too upset about that.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Prithi Srinivasan at 22psrinivasan ‘at’ pinewood.edu.