Satire by Benjamin Midler
Last month, various University departments were asked to begin planning for a “worst-case” budget scenario, as the coronavirus pandemic will likely force expenditure reductions of at least 10%. This, obviously, has left myriad University-affiliated groups and departments scrambling for new sources of revenue.
Fortunately for those straining under such immense belt-tightening, Provost Persis Drell has just instituted a new program to address the impending budgetary doom. In a statement to The Daily, she explained that “Box Tops — the little cardboard cutouts on cereal boxes — are each worth, like, 10 cents or something. I’ve done the math, and if we each eat 200 boxes of Cheerios between now and the start of fall quarter we should be able to make up the lost money.”
In a detailed plan reviewed by The Daily, Drell lays out her intention to have the University purchase over 4 million boxes of Cheerios and distribute them to the undergraduate population for consumption. Students will then be expected to mail the Box Tops to the University Budgetary Office for processing. Students will be charged for all the Cheerios they don’t eat.
When asked about accommodations for students with a gluten intolerance, Drell brushed aside any concerns: “If students are experiencing hardship, they are welcome to call Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) for support.”
As a further part of the program, the University has retained Joey Chestnut, 12-time champion of The Nathan’s Annual Hotdog Eating Contest and current leader of the Major League Eating leaderboard, to produce a webinar instructing students on their speed-eating technique.
“We’re trying to make this a learning opportunity in addition to a fundraising one,” Drell explained. “I’ve been told that helping students learn is a good thing.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.