Promiscuous insect feeling unfulfilled In symbiotic relationship with tree

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Proclaiming that the passion has slowly faded away, a local promiscuous ant reported feeling unfulfilled in its symbiotic relationship with the nearby tree.

“When we first started this mutually beneficial arrangement that has deep evolutionary roots, I always felt a big rush of excitement every time we spent time together,” expressed the amorous ant, who agreed to defend the maple tree’s leaves from predation in exchange for housing and warm affection. “Lately though, I feel like there’s been a growing distance between us. It almost seems like the maple tree just wants to house our ant colony in exchange for us preying on its pests, as part of some transactional and non-intimate Darwinian relationship. I know it’s wrong, but I’ve been thinking about other trees lately. I feel like a loving and affectionate tree who treats me as an equal partner, chosen through the meticulous and lengthy process of natural selection, isn’t too much to ask for in this day and age.”

At press time, the ant was seen flirting with a strong and sturdy oak nearby.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.