Housing front desk ships belongings to Marriage Pact match

Satire by

Earlier this month, as students began leaving campus en masse in response to a county-wide order to shelter in place, housing front desks across campus were given instructions to ship students’ belongings to them if requested. A few students, including freshman Felipe Flake, did so.

“When I left campus, I didn’t realize I’d be gone for all of spring quarter,” he said when explaining his desire to be reunited with his possessions. “I just can’t go that long without my teddy bear. Oh, and my edibles.”

The process to request his belongings was simple enough, Flake reported. A simple online request of less than five minutes was all it took. The issue, however, was that, in some kind of administrative mixup, Flake’s belongings were instead shipped to his Marriage Pact match.

“She’s going to see my heavily annotated copy of ‘Cracking the Coding Interview’ and find out that I’m a closet tech bro!” he wailed.

Morganica Rongowski, the front desk staffer who was responsible for collecting and shipping Flake’s belongings, seemed surprised when confronted with evidence of her mistake. “I’m sure I had the right address,” she said, fetching her spreadsheet of students and their corresponding addresses. 

She studied the list for a moment before a bemused look spread across her face. “Oh, that explains it,” she muttered while turning the paper the right way round. “Whoops.”

“To make things even worse,” Flake said, “When I eventually did get all my stuff, some things were missing. Half my edibles, for instance.”

Flake’s Marriage Pact match refused to comment.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanford.edu