President and provost take pay cuts; savings to go to underpaid football coach

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Provost Persis Drell, in an email to the Stanford community, recently announced that she and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne will be taking voluntary 20% salary reductions in response to the myriad financial difficulties the current pandemic is placing on the University. Drell likewise encouraged other senior administration officials to voluntarily reduce their pay.

Until today, the precise benefits of such cost-cutting were not public. Many assumed the move was more symbolic than substantive. In a statement provided to The Daily this morning, however, the president and provost clarified their intentions.

“Considering the havoc current circumstances are causing for all manner of University employees — especially the ones who are now having to go without work — we thought it best that the money saved from our pay cuts be given to those employees who need it most,” reads the statement. “And by employees, we mean one employee in particular: David Shaw.”

When asked to comment on this news, a Stanford Athletics spokesperson remarked that, for the 2019 season, “Shaw was paid over $1 million per game that the football team actually won. Considering the 2020 season is now in jeopardy, it only makes sense that Stanford increases Shaw’s salary to maintain the negative correlation between coach compensation and team victories.”

Drell concluded her statement by saying that she “hope[s] this generous act of charity will finally put to rest any criticism of the University underpaying certain employees affected by the pandemic.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanford.edu