Satire by Vol. 256 Satire Section
It’s that time of year again, and some dorms have begun to celebrate the beloved Stanford tradition of “Screw Your Roo,” short for “Screw Your Roommate.” Dorms host a group date — popular ideas are bowling, picnicking and visiting the exciting new OY/YO sculpture at the Cantor Arts Center — and every attendee’s roommate is encouraged to find them a date, romantic or otherwise.
Despite the excitement and the various ill-fated new couples created by the event, Screw Your Roo inspired some criticism this year. Nicholas Fisher ’23 is calling for a renaming of the tradition after the title led to his serious misunderstanding of the event’s purpose.
“You don’t understand,” Fisher explained in a statement to the Daily. “I’ve been looking forward to Screw Your Roo since I first laid eyes on my roommate. It was love at first awkward small talk.”
At the beginning of February, when his dorm council representatives announced the event, Fisher was crushed to learn that he would not, in fact, be screwing his roo. Instead, he was forced to set up his roommate (and soulmate) Antonio del Rio ’23, with another boy.
Fisher described the experience as painful and disappointing.
“There I was, texting classmates and distant acquaintances, looking for someone to take my place,” Fischer said.
On the day of the event, Fisher jealously watched del Rio make friendly conversation with Marcus from his Stanford Pre-Orientation Trip (SPOT).
“I’m gonna be real,” Fisher said, “I chose Marcus because he seemed non-threatening. But they seemed to really hit it off. It was a disaster.”
del Rio confirmed the success of Fisher’s pick.
“Marcus was so easy to talk to!” he said. “He’s pretty cute, too.”
“It was maybe the worst day of my life,” Fisher noted. “I just want to save future students from this kind of let-down. Can’t we call it ‘Set Up Your Roo’ or something? ‘Screw Your Roo’ doesn’t even make sense! We’re not the ones screwing!”
Fisher, a prospective CS major, has set up a website where students facing similar issues with Screw Your Roo are encouraged to submit their stories anonymously. For more information, feel free to visit RenameScrewYourRoo.org or pick up a helpful informational leaflet from tablers in White Plaza.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.