Satire by Patrick Monreal
In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop.
“One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient. It especially helps when tabs are so cluttered that there are no thumbnails; increasing Outlook tabs increases the likelihood you randomly click on it when you need it.”
According to the GSB Behavioral Lab, the productivity boost has to do with the increased accessibility of the tab. If you have six tabs open, you don’t have to scroll all the way to the left or right corner of the screen to switch to your email. The extra tabs just provide more points of access.
The researchers were also able to pinpoint other trends related to Outlook. For example, students with six or more Outlook tabs open were three times as likely to have multiple LinkedIn tabs open.
“Having so many tabs open ensures that I receive mail as quickly as possible,” said a random person I approached at CoHo, as eight Facebook and 27 e-mail notifications went off in unison. “Adding more tabs introduces competition; tabs that do not update will be closed — and they know this. Thus, they try hard and race to see who gives me my email first.”
It remains unclear what metric the researchers used to gauge productivity this time. The GSB received much criticism a few studies ago when it measured productivity by how many marshmallows participants could keep in their mouth while saying, “chubby bunny.” Much worse than the Haufman Marshmallow Index, researchers back in 2006 simply noted whether participants’ shoes were tied properly as a productivity metric.
We will not know the full details until the report is published next week. Until then, be sure to open up as many Outlook tabs as possible.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.