Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Love is in the air! The Lambda Theta Nu Sorority is celebrating the season by running a candy-gram program, but as it was looking through its orders, the sorority noticed something peculiar. Fundraiser organizer Lily Hannah-Grace ’20 spoke to The Daily about this issue.
“95% of the orders were for Marc Tessier Lavigne,” Hannah-Grace said. “Trust me, I love MTL as much as the next guy, but wow. That is a lot of candy-grams.”
Hannah Grace attributed this phenomenon to the president’s infamous “daddy” appeal.
“President Tessier-Lavigne is really just the dad of Stanford University,” she added. “It makes sense that everyone would want to show him some love on this special day.”
However, the large influx of gifts has caused some problems for the University president.
“I can’t get into my office,” Tessier-Lavigne said. “I am almost certain it is a fire hazard. Every day I try to get into my office and more candy-grams appear. I can’t eat all of this candy. It’s bad for me. The Board of Trustees wants me to watch my sugar intake.”
In light of all of this, both Tessier-Lavigne and the sorority are trying to figure out what to do. Tessier-Lavigne convened a University committee to tackle the problem, and it proposed an interesting solution.
“I believe Lambda Theta Nu is doing some great work, and I don’t want to impede them,” Tessier-Lavigne said. “But I cannot keep getting candy-grams, so if you buy a candy-gram for someone OTHER than me, you and your special someone can enjoy a nice romantic meal at The Axe and Palm, on me. Please. Please make it stop.”
Since that statement last Wednesday, President Tessier-Lavigne has yet to respond to any of The Daily’s subsequent requests for comment.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.