Satire by Lana Tleimat
The Oscars run this weekend, which can only mean one thing: people are upset about the Oscars. Straight white men have once again succeeded against all odds, because apparently it’s impossible to make an award-winning movie about women or people of color in America. So women everywhere are taking a stand by handcuffing themselves to Oscars. Not necessarily the awards, just guys named Oscar.
Take Madison Giffort. After this year’s nominees were announced, she knew the only logical thing to do was to handcuff herself to her local Oscar, neighbor Oscar Ramirez.
“You have to make the change you want to see in the world. Holding my neighbor Oscar hostage is a fair price to pay for equality,” Giffort said while Ramirez waited patiently.
“I actually agree with you … can you please let me go home?” Ramirez responded. “My wife is worried about me.”
Francine Fragdorf took the news of Greta Gerwig’s Best Director snub so hard that she had no other choice but to handcuff herself to the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. When asked what she will do when it takes to the streets, Fragdorf responded, “Little Women was a treasure. I would die for Greta Gerwig — no, I will die for Greta Gerwig.”
When Jasmine Hackle found out that only one black performer won a nomination, she immediately handcuffed herself to coworker Oscar Hamill. “This was mostly a symbolic gesture. But then I lost the keys, so, there’s that,” she added.
Next year, we can only hope that the efforts of these women and Oscars will pay off in diverse nominations. Otherwise, we’ll just have to wait two or three more years until the entire Academy is dead.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.