Satire by Ruslan AlJabari
After getting over my fear of getting a B+ and being a disappointment to my family due to the awful grading curve in fall quarter, I decided to take MATH 51 this winter (only after I had been cleared by Vaden of course).
I signed up for a 10:30 a.m. lecture on Axess as soon as enrollment opened and was excited to start learning all the maths — until things started to go south.
After one brief week of class, I started noticing disturbing symptoms that occurred only after each math lecture and section I attended. Symptoms included a mild fever, coughing, runny nose and losing the will to live.
Throughout Week 2, I persevered and pushed through, not caring about all the red flags and signals my body was sending me… my second mistake.
In the words of Donnie Herrera, “Consequences!”
After barely making it to the start of Week 3, I decided that it was time that I do something about my condition. After booking an appointment through Vaden’s portal, I finally went in and got checked and diagnosed.
Unbeknownst to anyone, I had caught the flu. “How?” you might be asking. Well, according to Vaden, “It’s the body’s natural reaction to trying to visualize linear combinations happening in multi-dimensional planes.”
Feeling somewhat relieved that my condition wasn’t severe enough to catch, say, the HSV, I went back to my dorm and enjoyed downing an ibuprofen with some sweet, sweet Gatorade.
Sure, I might end up with a B- or a C+ in this class, have to take it again next quarter, call my parents and cry to them on the phone, but I see this as an absolute win. To quote one of my wise RAs: “What doesn’t kill you, makes you, um… whatever. You got a Gatorade bottle for free, now please leave me alone. It’s 4 a.m. Go to sleep.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Ruslan Al-Jabari at rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu.