Satire by Vol. 256 Satire Section
Oh! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! We’re failing finals, counting down the days until Nomad and anxiously awaiting the result of these impeachment proceedings. Anyway, as The Daily’s satire section (aka The Stanford Occasionally) looks back at this year, we’ve realized that A LOT has gone on. As such, we’re getting in the holiday spirit by giving you all an unwarranted, unappreciated and definitely unwanted “Naughty or Nice” list.
With an altercation between a student and a police officer and the spotting of Provost Persis Drell, this year’s Eurotrash was certainly eventful — not to mention the unconfirmed rumors that circulated campus about a brick being hurled at the police. There are a lot of deserving candidates for a lump of coal from that night, but we think the naughtiest is the mason who placed that brick so poorly. Shame on you.
Nice: Non-partisan debate parties
People with differing political stances were actually able to come together to watch the most recent Democratic debate in a non-partisan environment. How revolutionary! Attendance was encouraged by the provision of free Treehouse burritos. Seems like they’ve finally figured out how to encourage conversation between those with radically opposing viewpoints: airdrop free food onto the front lines! (But who are we kidding, there were probably more people at the Stanford Dems debate party.)
Naughty: The Flipside
It’s no secret — The Daily has changed the satire scene here at Stanford. So much so, in fact, that The Flipside has threatened to burn down our building. Out of all the crimes you could commit … arson? Really? It’s so clumsy and juvenile. Meanwhile, we planted a writer at The Flipside and have been slowly embezzling from them since September. Good luck trying to figure out who!
Nice: Undergraduate Senate
Given the fact that they cut down our funding (stifling our plans to acquire The Flipside and The Chaparral), we should probably give them a lump of coal. However, the Senate has affected real change this past calendar year. Last February, they passed a bill securing mozzarella sticks at The Axe & Palm. What more do we need in our representatives?
Naughty: Gaieties Boy from Sally Ride
The Daily first learned of this phenomenon from the Stanford Missed Connections Instagram account. What started off as a cute and wholesome way to promote Gaieties soon turned into a wild fascination with “Gaieties Boy from Sally Ride.” The satire section draws the line at wanting to infect people “with norovirus in all the right places ;).”
Nice: Linda Cicero
If you’re wondering, “Who is Linda Cicero?” then you don’t deserve to go here. Look at any professional photo of Stanford — it’s probably taken by her. In fact, every word of this sentence (online) links to a Daily article where we use one of her photos. Kudos to Cicero, and if you’re reading this, The Daily is hiring. We have no money, but wouldn’t it be cool to take photos for us?
These seemingly innocent fires had the audacity to encroach upon NorCal land without the acquisition of a General Use Permit. Moreover, they crippled their surrounding economy by putting vape companies out of business. Obviously, the only possible way for the wildfires to redeem themselves is if they postpone their further spread until people that have the ability to recognize their dangers graduate.
Nice: Stanford Newcomer Guides
It appears that this year, Student Newcomer Guides — previously known as Pre-Major Advisors — have learned to simply lift enrollment holds rather than to attempt to meet with students. Students were eternally grateful to the SNGs who didn’t flood their inboxes with multiple When2Meets or Doodle Polls.
Naughty: Big Game
How dare Cal win the Big Game! Their players seemed to entirely disregard the emotional well-being of every single Stanford student. Furthermore, by ruining the first-time Big Game experience for freshmen, they reduced the probable turnout at any future Big Game and damaged the balanced rivalry that holds these two schools together. Lastly, the symbolism of them now stealing The Axe by defeating the Tree promotes unethical acts of deforestation. They really ought to be more careful about which games they choose to play their best in.
Nice: Faux Ethical Capitalism
As Instagram debuts its new Invisible Like Count, college students everywhere slowly wither away from lack of validation. Luckily, they can distract themselves by gorging on Chick-Fil-A’s new “We Don’t Hate Gay People Anymore Wink Wink” chicken nuggets.
Naughty: Stanford Democrats
Groups like Stanford Dems and Stanford in Government (SIG) are infamous for bringing controversial speakers to campus. This year was no different, with a particularly contentious lineup. In April, SIG brought firecracker now-presidential candidate Tom Steyer MBA ’83, inciting violence across campus. In June, Stanford Women in Business hosted then-presidential candidate Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, causing many to call Stanford to ban hate speech. Finally, in October, Stanford Dems organized a talk with Senator Michael Bennet, who is currently leading in every presidential primary poll to ever exist.
Nice: The number 69
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Patrick Monreal, Richard Coca, Smiti Mittal, Ruslan AlJabari and Leah Waites contributed to this piece. Contact them at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu, richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu, smiti06 ‘at’ stanford.edu, rjabari ‘at’ stanford.edu and lwaites ‘at’ stanford.edu.