Satire by Patrick Monreal
Like the rest of campus, I, too, eagerly awaited the results of the Marriage Pact. At midnight, I anxiously opened up the email, and my match was a name I didn’t recognize: Cole Brubaker-Susie. Look, my kids need double-legacy, so I decided to give it a shot.
I quickly sent a message to ResX ‘at’ stanford.edu (the email Cole provided) and got a prompt response to meet at CoHo in the morning. She was a few years older than me, but I didn’t really mind. There was a certain vivacious spunk to her that really drew me in.
Anyway, we walked down Mayfield as she told me her grand vision for the University.
“Wouldn’t it be great if we took this neighborhood and made it into more neighborhoods? And then all those new neighborhoods would just coalesce into that one big neighborhood we call Stanford. At the end of the day, we’re all just tiny neighborhoods deep down in here,” she said, tapping on her heart.
Honestly, it was a little strange that an undergraduate cared so deeply about future plans, but her passion convinced me. The twinkle in her eye as she spoke — it really got to me. As we walked by the residence formerly known as Sigma Chi, she asked what I thought should happen to the house.
Being a writer at The Daily, I told her that it would be cool if we had a house. I also told her that as satire editor, I am naturally the next in line for editor-in-chief, and I’d be willing to turn the paper into a sort of quasi-state-owned propaganda machine if the University granted us a house.
“Consider it done,” she responded as she smiled softly.
And just like that, Cole Brubaker-Susie was gone. She texted me soon after, though, for a second date.
“I’d love to meet again to talk about Kappa Alpha’s old house :),” the text read. “Meeting with students is important so I can include a line about student participation in all decision announcements.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.