Satire by Patrick Monreal
It’s that time of year again when U.S. News & World Report gives everyone the chance to prove they’re better than their high school friends by ranking the best universities in the country — a score internal whistleblowers recently revealed is calculated primarily by how far alumni can piss.
What many people don’t realize is that U.S. News publishes several other rankings outside of academia. Last week, the media company named Palo Alto as the most affordable city in the country “in an alternate dimension.”
“Our algorithm is very in-depth and comprehensive,” wrote Editor-in-Chief Mortimer Zuckerman. “The least likely scenarios and most ridiculous answers become the winners in the ‘alternate dimension’ categories.”
Founded by Leland Stanford himself in 1894, the Santa Clara County city has inextricable ties to Stanford. Home to several high-technology companies like Hewlett-Packard, Tesla, Skype and Palantir, it’s no wonder why the city is so cheap and affordable.
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Mayor Eric Filseth ’83. “Please stop following me around.”
Affordability wasn’t the only ranking Palo Alto achieved. U.S. News also named it the third best college town in America, behind Ithaca, New York, and Fresno, California. Translating to “tall stick,” Palo Alto also made the top ten for cities with “the most creative names.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.