Satire by Joseph Zhang
As proponents of both student mental health and the artistic scene at Stanford, the Stanford Alumni Association voted unanimously to contribute a portion of the T-shirt sales from fall quarter to financing a second grand piano to be placed for display in Tresidder Lounge.
Previously, there was only one pristine piano for public viewing in Tresidder Lounge. A pricing quote by Dr. Thomas Ackley of the Stanford Department of Music, a piano hobbyist, reveals the Steinway model in Tresidder is approximately $40,000.
“That’s a whole eighth of my total tuition!” exclaimed an anonymous RA from Sally Ride. “I would never even dream of touching something that expensive.”
And the head honchos agreed. The grand piano was worth way too much to be touched by the unclean hands of the masses, so since its placement in Tresidder in the ripe year of 1960, the Steinway remained untouched and unloved. A sign on top of the piano continues to read, “For viewing purposes only! Please do NOT play on the piano.”
With an excess of funds from the T-shirt sales, however, the Stanford Alumni Association’s purchase of a Kimball piano, with a slightly cheaper price tag of only $35,000, will allow students to finally practice away to their hearts’ contents without fear of damaging the more expensive piano. Students are now finally able to bang out chopsticks to impress significant others in a semi-public area on a grand piano.
“It’s a phenomenal contribution to the community, and we look forward to continue sponsoring arts and music at Stanford!” exclaims a spokeswoman for the Stanford Alumni Association.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Joseph Zhang at josephz ‘at’ stanford.edu.