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In effort to boost patient care, Vaden replaces CAPS with Dr. Gregory House

After pushback from faculty and staff, Vaden ensured the campus community that House’s services would exceed the goals and expectations of CAPS, “and then some.” (Patrick Monreal/THE STANFORD DAILY)

With the new school year in full swing, Vaden Health Center announced new changes to improve the overall quality and experience of Stanford students. In addition to establishing a Walgreens pharmacy inside the building at 866 Campus Drive, Vaden announced the hiring of world-renowned diagnostician Dr. Gregory House.

“This past year, we did a lot of soul-searching,” Vaden Director Dr. Andre Young wrote in an email to The Daily. “Our surveys showed that misdiagnosed pregnancies was the top complaint among our patients, with hotness of physicians and bedside manner close behind. By hiring a diagnostician like Greg, we’re really hitting all three.”

Unfortunately, famous physicians like House aren’t exactly cheap; Vaden also announced it would be cutting Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) to fund House’s salary. After pushback from faculty and staff, Vaden ensured the campus community that House’s services would exceed the goals and expectations of CAPS, “and then some.”

The infamous pill-popping and cane-wielding doctor previously held a long stint at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, a seemingly-fictitious university hospital associated with Princeton — which peculiarly does not even have a medical school (please take notice, U.S. News & World Report).

House is well-known for his innovative and alternative methods to treat patients, including but not limited to: prescribing cigarettes to curb inflammatory bowel disease, forcing patients to take truth serums and diagnosing an aortic aneurysm by increasing blood pressure until blood spurts out. Young told The Daily that he hopes House brings these experiential treatments to Vaden.

Young also addressed the elephant in the room: House has quite the record. Riddled with drug abuse, his past also includes jail time for ramming his car into his ex-’s dining room, rehabilitation at a psychiatric hospital for his Vicodin addiction and faking his own death.

“His familiarity with mental hospitals is why he’ll make a fine replacement for CAPS,” Young said. “If students can overlook his criminal record and drug history, he’s the perfect doctor. If not, well, we can always give them a pregnancy test.”

When asked for clarification on House’s Vicodin problem, Young explained that he would be allowed to practice while stoned unless it “adversely affects his job performance.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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