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Tracking bricks at Eurotrash

Satire by

If you thought Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole tackling the police wasn’t exciting enough, wait until you hear about this: Following the events of the annual Eurotrash party at Kappa Sigma (KSig), rumors quickly spread about an individual throwing a brick-shaped projectile at an officer containing the party.

To settle the speculation once and for all, The Daily’s data team and a special counsel conducted their own investigation at KSig and tracked each brick within a one-mile radius of the house at 1035 Campus Dr. What they determined, seen in the image above, is that most bricks at and around KSig, in fact, remained stationary throughout Friday evening.

However, there was one such brick — perhaps of its own accord — that changed its own position to that of a police officer. The Daily will continue its investigation and update the public on the whereabouts of this rogue brick.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’

Patrick Monreal '22 is the satire editor for Vol. 256, but also occasionally contributes to the news section. A native of Fresno, California, he is interested in studying the natural sciences, public policy and the intersection of the two, especially when it comes to environmental issues. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'