Satire by Richard Coca
Hey y’all! I have to apologize for never posting an official introduction on The Official Stanford Class of 2022. Since I procrastinate on literally everything, I even procrastinated writing this but c’est la vie. (Better now than never right?) My name’s Richard Coca — yes, like the soda — and I’m from the San Fernando Valley, down by Southern California! I am so excited to go to Stanford, omg, I heard they have like palm trees too and whatever. Anyways, without further ado, here I go:
- I am quirky, like so quirky. I’m the type of quirky that constantly reminds you that they’re quirky. I mean, I eat strawberries whole (greens and all).
- I like boba, except when someone spits tapioca balls at me, because let’s be honest. That’s kind of weird.
- I love Twitter (almost as much as my AirPods) — like I literally let Twitter pick my classes for spring quarter.
- I’m an unofficial tour guide. (Don’t ask, or do because my email is down below.)
- Speaking of emails, I also really love emails. (Ask my dorm.) I am the master of gifs, bolded lines and quirky emails that get circulated around.
- I used to be an Android user, and that has pretty much shaped my entire personality for a while. I now have an iPhone so I understand how emotionally manipulative Apple is towards promoting hatred against Androids.
- I think being overcommitted and being busy is a personality trait. (RIP my mental health.)
- I would say I’m relatively spontaneous. Invite me to go fountain hopping at midnight, and I will probably join you. I’ll probably regret it later, but you get what I mean.
- I consider myself pretty in touch with nature. Catch me tripping and rolling down a hill at the Stanford Dish trail.
- I’m also not musically inclined whatsoever, so naturally catch me playing with the one, the only, the truly incomparable Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band.
- I am pretty interested in campus activism, so catch me supporting student petitions and being involved with different movements.
- Also, I firmly believe water’s wet.
So that’s basically me in a nutshell! So honored to be among such wonderful people, and excited to meet you all on the Farm come September!
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.