Satire by Patrick Monreal
Does campus feel too big? Ever want to go to a FroSoCo party but feel it’s too far? In an effort to revamp campus transportation, the Board of Trustees announced an initiative to transform the current Marguerite shuttle system into a high-speed railway — modeled after the State of California’s proposal.
During the meeting, the Trustees defended the plan as necessary to decongest roads, curb bike accidents and encourage students to show up to lecture on time. Urban Studies professors anticipate the change will allow students to reach the other side of campus in under two minutes.
“What’s a Marguerite?” responded a senior when The Daily asked their opinion on the proposal.
According to Board Chair Jeff Raikes ’80, the board has been exploring alternatives to the shuttles for years. They even reached out to Utah Senator Mike Lee to hear more about his transportation proposals for Hothian tauntauns in Alaska and giant seahorses in Hawaii.
“We liked Senator Lee’s ideas but were concerned with the environmental impact of flatulating tauntauns running around Stanford,” said board member Stanley Ford.
The current system consists of nearly 20 different shuttle lines, operating seven days a week. President Marc Tessier-Lavigne confirmed that the proposed high-speed rail would contain similar service, just “one million times faster” and with additional stops.
“The new routes are currently being developed, but we know for sure there will be weekend service to the Row,” Tessier-Lavigne wrote in a Notes from The Quad blog post. “Hopefully we can secure a direct route to T4 as well.”
The proposal comes just over one month after California Governor Gavin Newsom announced plans to scale back the construction of the statewide high-speed rail system. The railway, originally intended to link the meager cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles, will now likely span from economic powerhouse Merced to avant-garde cultural hub Bakersfield.
“The only part of California people really care about anyways is the Central Valley,” Newsom said. “We may even be able to put a stop in vacation hotspot Fresno.”
Stanford Coalition for Planning an Equitable 2035 (SCoPE 2035) announced plans to protest Stanford’s proposed rail system immediately after the board meeting. On their Facebook page, SCoPE 2035 wrote that it would only be fair if the University constructs a rail system for the entire world.
“How else are we going to reach our global no net new commute traffic goal by 2025?” SCoPE 2035 Matt Nissen ’20 said, adding that the organization has planned five teach-ins across campus to spread awareness for the University’s “inconsiderate” plan.
The timeline for the project remains unclear, but pushback is expected from Santa Clara County, Bay Area Rapid Transit, Caltrain, Amtrak, the Department of Transportation and the California High-Speed Rail Authority.
“The Final Environmental Impact Report did not account for this,” Santa Clara County Supervisor Joe Simitian said. “And that thing is, like, 2,400 pages.”
“Simitian wants to see ‘full mitigation,’ and we’re going to deliver,” University spokesperson EJ Miranda wrote in response, before adding that all other questions could be answered in the University’s 2018 General Use Permit application.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.