Satire by Patrick Monreal
Seismologists up and down the West Coast were shocked Sunday morning upon discovery that major tectonic shifts had taken place overnight. According to the Stanford earthquake seismology group, the Pacific Plate and the North American Plate are now offset by around 100 miles.
“Between the hours of 9 p.m. last night and 4 a.m. this morning, enormous auditory vibrations have caused significant movement along the San Andreas Fault,” read a statement from the United States Geological Survey. “The exact mechanism of the shift is still under investigation, but the origin is believed to be around the Palo Alto area.”
While there was an all-campus at Xanadu on Saturday evening, the Stanford University Police Department believes the more plausible source to be Stern Hall.
“No conclusion has been made yet, but let’s just say we think the dorm rhymes with Bonner,” said an SUPD spokesperson. “Noise complaints are common with all the freshman dorms, but the amount of ‘Mo Bamba’ there is excessive.”
Geophysics professor Aron Dugtrio agreed with SUPD’s sentiment, adding that “only frequencies as unique as those produced by the genius of Sheck Wes could induce such a monumental shift.”
While Dugtrio believes the tectonic shift will relieve tension along the San Andreas Fault, postponing the “Big One,” federal officials are concerned about transportation across the state. With Los Angeles now at the same latitude as Fresno and parts of Baja California now north of the border, officials say to expect heavy traffic and confusion.
President Trump is expected to make an announcement on the issue Thursday afternoon. Advisors close to the president say the tectonic shift further demonstrates the need for a border wall, and Trump’s initial tweets echo this claim.
“Now Mexico has gone so far as to invade our beautiful nation [sic],” tweeted Trump. “Payback for California’s anti-freedom and communist policies. This wouldn’t have happened with a steel-slat barrier #MAGA.”
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.
Editor’s note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.