Widgets Magazine

STS discontinued, athletes panic

Citing concerns that the curriculum does not accurately represent the University’s educational goals, Stanford administrators announced that the Science, Technology and Society (STS) major will be discontinued effective the 2017-18 academic year. The announcement hits Stanford Athletics particularly hard, as the STS major has long been an unspoken focal point of the student-athlete community.

In an attempt to make this transition as trouble-free as possible, athletic director Bernard Muir has made grief counselors available to the student-athlete community around the clock. Despite the efforts made by the department, the majority of student-athletes have reportedly been inconsolable.

“Bruh,” said football’s senior kicker Conrad Ukropina as he exited a grief counseling session. “This ruined my whole four-year plan. I’ll have to switch to comm or something less chill.”

Ukropina isn’t the only athlete struggling with the adjustment. Even athletes off The Farm are feeling distracted and distressed.

“I’m just so thankful I’ll be able to finish before this is enacted,” added senior water polo player Bret Bonanni who is currently training with the national team for the Olympics. “It’s been really hard to focus on Rio when I keep having to comfort all my bros back at home and give them the academic encouragement they need to get through this tough time.”

Although most athletes are still trying to come to terms with the loss, there are a few who are using this as an opportunity to break free from the student-athlete stereotypes.

“This has been really tough on the whole team but I’m trying to look on the bright side,” said junior guard Lili Thompson. “I think I’ll try exploring some of my other passions for a while and take some photography or film studies classes. Maybe I’ll even dabble in fiction writing.”

This sentiment, however, is not reflective of the majority of athletes on campus. Student-athletes have reportedly organized a protest to burn their hoverboards and red student-athlete backpacks in a bonfire on the football practice field as a symbolic gesture of defiance against the University’s “oppression.”

“I’ll miss my red backpack,” said junior field hockey player Caroline Beaudoin. “But it’ll be okay if I look like a NARP [Non-Athletic Regular Person] for a while. It’s for the greater good.”

 

 

Editor’s note: This article was published as part of The Daily’s April Fool’s Day edition and is completely fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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