Admissions rate revised down to -15.3 percent

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The Office of Undergraduate Admission announced Thursday that it has revised its previously announced admissions rate for the Class of 2020, 4.69 percent, to -15.3 percent.

This year’s record-low admissions rate was achieved by not only rescinding all offers of admission for the class of 2020 but also expelling current undergraduates who were determined not to be living up to the potential they demonstrated in their applications.

Richard Shaw, dean of admissions and financial aid, expressed happiness with the new admissions numbers while counting his performance bonus for lowering the acceptance rate, which inexplicably was paid in two dollar bills.

“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” Shaw said. “A negative admissions rate is a great strategy for the growth of the University. It disrupts the whole landscape of higher education. Things will never be the same.”

“In addition, next year we’ll be testing a new artificial intelligence algorithm which should be able to reject all students automatically,” he added.

Anonymous sources report concerned murmuring among the Admissions staff about what these changes would mean for them.

The expulsions shocked the student body. Students are reported to have wandered their dorms aimlessly after coming back from class to find their roommates were gone.

A memorial for the lost students is planned for 8 p.m. tonight at Meyer Green.

According to the University, the expelled students also included large numbers of humanities majors. The English and History undergraduate populations were wiped out overnight.

“We heard student’s concerns that the humanities weren’t given enough attention at Stanford and we agreed,” said Provost John Etchemendy, explaining the expulsions. “Sometimes tough choices have to be made and we figured removing the humanities was easier than trying to make them interesting.”

“These expulsions are the first step in the creation of The Stanford Institute of Technology, or as I like to call it Stanford Tech,” Etchemendy added. “We anticipate changes in the academic program going forward, including the removal of non-STEM classes. CS106A will be the centerpiece of our new, disruptive core curriculum.”

Etchemendy downplayed worries that these changes would take Stanford away from its roots as a liberal arts University, explaining that the University is pivoting to face the challenges of the next 125 years.

President Hennessy also expressed excitement about the University’s changing path.

“This is a great day for Stanford,” Hennessy said, “We have secured the University’s place as  the best in the country. We’re excited to receive the best college trophy from Princeton Review when we’re ranked number one in a few months.”

Hennessy also said to watch for a new mascot next year. The University is currently accepting ideas. Personally, Hennessy said, he is hoping for the Snapchat ghost.

Sources have told The Daily that, to further celebrate Stanford’s full shift toward tech, Hennessy’s replacement next year will be a new artificial intelligence-powered cyborg with a personality made from the best parts of Herbert Hoover, John Arrillaga and Phil Knight.

 

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Daily’s April Fools’ Day coverage. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of entertainment only.

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