Roxy’s heard it all, and she knows that, unless you’re speaking about the most mundane of topics (“I have class until 12,” “Her hair was brown,” “My knee bruises seem a lot bigger these days,” etc.), what you say is rarely what you mean. Roxy, however, has a résumé full of skills, at the top of which is communication skills — especially oral communication — and those, dear readers, lend themselves to one thing: conversation decoding.

Roxy’s not here to deliver the watered-down version. People aren’t usually that mean when there’s a chance to say it in a nicer way — and that’s why sugar-coating of all types has plagued campus communications since 1891. And when it comes to someone to lick all that sugar off… Who you gonna call? Roxy(‘s tongue).

And so, without further ado:

He says: “I’ve slept with three girls.” He’s slept with eight; get a free STD screening at Vaden. She says: “I don’t sleep with guys who I’m not dating.” She has and will again. But just to be safe, you should probably compliment her hair or something.

At lunch, he says: “Don’t worry about the check — I’ll pay.” He means: “I’m getting some later, right?” (Roxy defers here to the wisdom of Phyllis from “The Office”: If you order the most expensive thing on the menu, “Oh yeah, you’ll have to put out.”)

At a crowded party, she says: “Where’s your friend?” She means: “I want your friend to be my two-backed beast accomplice.”

He says: “Wanna get lunch sometime?” He means: “Now’s the time for you to tell me if you have a boyfriend.” If you don’t, it gets awkward.

She says: “I love Jane Austen.” She means: “Buy me flowers every Sunday.” If she says she loves literature but hates Jane Austen, she means: “If you ever misspell something in a text, we’re done.”

He says: “How about we go back to my room and watch some ‘Family Guy’?” He means: “This is so easy, I might cry a tear of happiness.”

She says: “I’m really focused on my med school apps/thesis/job search right now.” She means: “Get ready for a rough ride, after which I’ll kick you out to study some more.” You might leave with a few scratches.

He says: “I’m a nice guy.” He means: “I’ll spoon the hell out of you, and you’ll think fondly of me once a month or so while you lie in the arms of your much hunkier boyfriend.”

He says: “I love ‘Arrested Development’!” He means: “I looked at your Facebook interests and am hoping to charm my way to your heart via shared interests.” Be nice to this one; he’s trying.

Roxy admits this isn’t a perfect science: intuition about a comment’s true meaning takes years to cultivate. In the meantime, Roxy hopes to encourage a more honest discourse about all topics including sexing and its variants. At least you can trust that when she says, “You’re cute. I’m bored. How about a quick bang?” she means exactly that.

Need practice stating your real purpose? Email Roxy at [email protected].