There’s a story going around that a man is trying to sell the golf clubs from “Tiger Slam” on eBay. When I first heard this, I nearly did a Tiger fist pump myself. How cool would it be to own the clubs used by Tiger’s wife to hack the windows in his Cadillac Escalade the night he descended from Mount Olympus and became a mere mortal?
Great conversation starter, great bar bet and probably a great way to shave a few strokes off your golf score.
But then I kept reading and realized “Tiger Slam” was not referring to that infamous Thanksgiving Night (see: Tigergate), but to Tiger’s dominance on the golf course from 2000-2001. Tiger held all four modern major championships simultaneously — a feat no other golfer has accomplished, hence the term a “Tiger Slam.”
Still, my mistake got me thinking: What other odd sports-related items would I most want to buy on eBay?
Lawrence Taylor’s 41 empty Coors Light Cans. During an interview at the 2010 NFL Draft, LT was asked what his fondest memory was the day he was drafted. His response: “I don’t remember too much, I had 41 Coors Lights. So I couldn’t tell you.” When asked if he had his family around that day, the former Giants linebacker simply said, “I had my drinking buddies with me.”
Tim Tebow’s Eye Black. Reminding atheist fans everywhere why he’s better than you.
Happy Gilmore’s Hockey Skate. The one he took off and tried to stab someone with, earning him one of his two league records.
Barry Bonds’ Urine. Don’t let your imagination run too wild. I just want to prove that the greatest hitter of all-time and my childhood hero never used steroids or other performance enhancing drugs. (Hey, it’s a hypothetical column, right?)
Paul Pierce’s Wheelchair. Just to be able to annoy Lakers fans whenever I want.
Wilt Chamberlain’s Black Book. Just to see how accurate his claim of 10,000 girls is. And, you know, if I’m ever lonely on Saturday night.
Michael Phelps’ Bong. Giving stoners everywhere an athletic role model to look up to.
The Taser Used by Citizen’s Bank Park Security. If you haven’t seen the video now, a 17-year-old kid ran onto the field during a Phillies-Cardinals game, juked a few guards and then was absolutely dropped by a police officer’s Taser. Was it a completely unnecessary use of force? Yes. Would it be awesome to own the collectible? Absolutely.
Toby Gerhart’s Heisman Trophy. Oh, wait.
Mike Tyson’s Tiger. Anytime someone starts quoting The Hangover, you always have the trump card.
Tiger Woods’ Cell Phone. Alleged mistress Joslyn James released messages Tiger sent her and the whole world discovered how kinky he really is. (Most of the messages are too X-rated even for this column, and I already talked about Chamberlain sleeping with thousands of girls.) What else is on that Blackberry? A treasure chest of well-kept secrets, lies and a glimpse into the mind of the world’s greatest athlete.
Do you know how to procure some of Barry Bonds’ urine? If so, contact Mike Lazarus at mlazarus “at” stanford.edu.