Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Many Americans are up in arms over the loss of the social media application TikTok. Luckily, Lily Jennings ’22 has developed a replacement: Spyware. According to Jennings, Spyware is a “cool new app to lull you into a vegetative state as we send all of your funky fresh data to foreign countries.”
Since TikTok was shut down due to security concerns, some were confused as to why Jennings would openly advertise privacy leaks in her program. “The data leaks are sort of what makes it exciting,” Jennings explained. “In this sad, dull time, knowing some foreign officer has access to all of my secrets makes me feel alive.”
Jennings was also quick to mention why she believes Spyware is better than TikTok.
“TikTok only sent your data to China. Boring. It’s been done before,” Jennings said. “But at Spyware? We send your data to anyone and everyone. India, Russia, United Kingdom: You name it. Anyone willing to foot the bill gets to learn about your childish Percy Jackson obsession.”
The Daily asked Stanford students if they would use Spyware, and the emphatic answer was yes.
“Are you kidding me?” said Ken James ’24. “I am going to download that right now. I need something to document my Hype House.”
Georgia Web ’23 had a similar reaction.
“I’ve got way too much data,” Web explained. “It’s piling up. All this data is just sitting around: sucking away my life force. Time to send it out into the world.”
Jennings says that Spyware will launch early next week. All students studying ethics are welcome to send her angry letters.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.