Satire by Dagny Carlsson
It is little known that the University’s stated objective, “to qualify students for personal success, and direct usefulness in life” formerly included the phrase “through both mental and physical education.” This emphasis on physical education was slowly forgotten, as Stanford failed to require physical education classes. But this year, the University will honor the Stanfords’ original wishes by adding a new course offering.
Beginning in winter 2021, the course CLASSICS 8L: “How to be a Gladiator” will be open for enrollment. However, the enrollment process for the class will be slightly different: It is expected that students will be required to sign waivers acknowledging that Stanford is not liable for any injuries sustained during the course.
“This course is in the final stages of planning, and the University is working hard to ensure the safety of both faculty and students, but because students will be required to design and fight with their own spears, we must take precautions,” said Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole. “Although students will be asked to draw blood, we will discourage them from killing, or even seriously maiming, their classmates.”
However, the danger factor may be useful for learning.
“In addition to custom weapons, the instructors will require the students to wear their own armor designs. Therefore, if a student is injured, the scar will help them to remember to improve their armor quality in the future,” Brubaker-Cole added.
It has been reported to The Daily that the administration is discussing options for where to host the course. Topping the proposals, just ahead of FloMo’s roof and the Roble Theatre, is a plan to build a temporary colosseum on Meyer Green.
“It would be a fantastic location,” noted classics professor David Parker. “In case of injury, students are slightly closer to Vaden, and the slope would ensure that students would be forced to fight. This is important, as instead of a final, we are planning a class-wide brawl. Hopefully, we will be allowed to open the event to the entire University so as to convey a more realistic colosseum experience. Perhaps this can be a Cardinal Nights event.”
The course is expected to be extremely popular, and professors are anticipating a substantial waitlist. Sources state that the course will be “for either two or three units,” and “will satisfy the WAYS-CE requirement.”
“If the course is successful, the classics department plans to partner with the physics department to plan CLASSICS 9L: ‘Chariot Racing.’ I anticipate the logistics for that course would be easier, as we have plenty of good bike paths to use around campus.”
Unfortunately, CLASSICS 8L is expected to replace the course Social Dance 1, which will no longer be offered.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Dagny Carlsson at dagny ‘at’ stanford.edu.