Satire by Richard Coca
After receiving a $55 million donation for scholarship funding, the Stanford School of Medicine is considering renaming itself after esteemed philanthropist John Arrillaga ’60.
“We cannot stress enough how tantalized our prospective applicants are at this new scholarship funding,” said School of Medicine Dean Lloyd Minor. “That’s why we want to welcome them to the renamed Arrillaga’s Anatomy Medical Center.”
While humanity majors noted that adding another Arrillaga building would make campus navigation even more difficult, many pre-med students praised the decision. Many of these same students noted that they can’t read legible signs anyways.
“Honestly, not being able to find another Arrillaga building is fine by me if it means I won’t be drowning in med school debt,” said Jared Sherpard ‘22. “Besides, my name is Jared. I’m 19, and I never learned how to read in my THINK class.”
The move has led to an increased interest in medicine; researchers have already observed high activity on Simple Enroll.
“Never in my life have I ever seen so many people voluntarily enroll in CHEM 33,” said Dr. Megan Brennan. “If syllabus week doesn’t weed the new pre-meds out, then we might have to make our midterms even more difficult before the add/drop deadline.”
Meanwhile, the TAPS department has begun exploring a potential network deal with the medical school and nearby Lucile Packards to create yet another medical drama series focusing on young doctors. Thus far, not a single network has expressed interest in producing the pilot series of what will inevitably be called “Arrilaga’s Anatomy.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.