Satire by Lana Tleimat
America doesn’t need another president. We’ve had forty-five of those, and look how that’s turned out. We here at The Stanford Occasionally know what this country really needs is a spiritual advisor, a candidate who can reveal our own Inner Light and lead the nation to self-actualization.
That candidate is Marianne Williamson.
Yes, we know she already dropped out of the primary. The Democratic Party is so tired, anyway — who needs them? If we’ve learned anything from Marrianne’s teachings, it’s that you can conquer any obstacle with the power of positive thinking — and also that storing your life force in a rose quartz crystal is the secret to eternal youth.
Right now, you, as the very responsible voter you are, must be asking, Does she have any political experience? What are her policies? Isn’t this a terrible, terrible idea? And to that we say, No! Who cares! Maybe! Society is ending in a fiery hellscape regardless, so why not have some fun on the way down? As Marianne always says, “We’re hallucinating. And that’s what this world is: a mass hallucination.”
Our section has spent the past few weeks immersing ourselves in the Williamson canon, and we are well on the way to becoming enlightened disciples and scholars. Already, we’ve mastered telepathy, allowing us to hold all of our meetings in a paraphysical realm. Soon we will learn how to teleport (which is way cooler than riding a segway) without getting our ankles stuck in the drywall, and then we will use our Love Magic to spread Her words with every person of voting age in America!
So join us! Concentrate your Divine Love to breach the Soul Divide and communicate with the dark recesses of the Spirit World! And this election season, we at the Stanford Occasionally ask you to consider writing in the name of our Messiah and Love Leader, Marrianne Williamson, Feminine Warrior of the Soul Plane.
And, what the heck, Bloomberg for Vice President. We’re not completely ready to get away from straight white males.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.