Satire by VinhHuy Le
This article is part of a collection of norovirus satire amid the outbreak in freshman dorms.
Due to the recent outbreak of norovirus in the remote parts of the east campus, the U.S. Department of State strongly encourages travelers to avoid the area.
Dr. Ian Michael Smart of the Center for Disease Control warns that this particular strain of norovirus can cause excessive vomiting, diarrhea and possibly death. However, these are also the symptoms of the acute condition known as midterm season-itis, so Dr. I.M. Smart advises that if you or anyone you know has these symptoms, contact the quarantine unit at Vaden Health Center as soon as possible.
In the meantime, the CDC and the National Guard have deployed 150 personnel to isolate the region, where they have begun the mandatory evacuation process for the greater Palo Alto area. Those who are displaced will be bused to San Francisco, where they will be provided complimentary housing in one of the hundreds of “repurposed living spaces” on Alcatraz Island.
As of Sunday afternoon, officials believe the norovirus outbreak started with an infected Juul from Burbank — similar to how the infamous Twain mono epidemic began last year. At first, the infection remained isolated to one room. However, after Stanford’s “Thirsty Thursdays,” officials believe the norovirus came in contact with multiple unsuspecting freshmen between rounds of beer pong. Health officials were only able to discern that an outbreak was occurring after dozens of Burbank residents started vomiting. They knew it wasn’t the alcohol as Stanford promotes only safe drinking behavior.
Dr. Smart is predicting that the norovirus outbreak will be contained by the end of the month and eradicated by the end of the year. Until then, CDC officials will continue spraying down infected rooms with straight vodka to kill the remaining viruses.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact VinhHuy Le at vinhhuy ‘at’ stanford.edu.