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TV Recap: Ash introduces the world to Taiwan

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Courtesy of ABC

After taking a week off for some reason or another, “The Bachelorette” is back, and by god, it only took a week for me to forget how annoying her voice is. Honestly, 10 minutes in and I was ready to eat a stick of lit dynamite, but I stuck through it for you, my loyal readers.

Ash started out by informing us about the existence of Taiwan. It’s known as the hidden jewel of Asia because, fun fact, “not a lot of people know about it!” It also happens to be one of the best places to fall in love, along with China, Japan, Vietnam, Taipei, North Korea and my basement. Cue Ashley saying that she’s ready for a fresh start, again, and off we go!

First thing I noticed is that Constantine and Ben, the least-attractive and most-monotonous members of the gang, are both still here. I theorize that she’s really only interested in one of them, but she can’t tell them apart so she’s afraid to send one of them home just in case she sends the wrong one by mistake. Also remaining: Lucas, the Southern gent; JP, the ridiculously hot New Yorker who is the obvious winner; upbeat Ryan and harmless little Ames.

Her first one-on-one date is with Constanturd, and literally nothing interesting happens. Honestly. I take really extensive notes as I watch so that I can write these articles, and my only notes for this date were “pretty sure this is Constantine and not Ben, but could be mistaken.” Moving on.

The second one-on-one is with Ben, who I still can’t really figure out. This totally goes along with my initial theory about her not being able to tell them apart – she’s taking one and then the other out so that she can figure out which one she wants! Anyway, the two of them ride a moped around Taiwan as Ben flirts like a pedophile (“stick with me, kiddo”). As someone who has both driven a moped and ridden on the back of someone else’s (I know, my life is cooler than yours), let me just establish that they are seriously not romantic. They’re mostly goofy. Fortunately, so is Ben. The two of them have some kind of super-long, monotonous sharing of feelings, and Ash decided that she’s falling in love. She let him stay the night, though they didn’t sleep together (I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to yet). Back at the bachelor pad, JP was getting jealous, and it is so, so, so sexy, mostly because everything JP does is sexy.

The group date with Lucas, Ames and JP is the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and I watched “The Office” for four seasons. They’re taking fake wedding photos and everyone is kissing Ashley for the camera in front of everyone else, and JP (gorgeous in his tux) is losing it. You can see his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows his rage, and again, he manages to make surly and sullen sexy. Honestly, if that man doesn’t win this thing, I’m calling dibs. Winning moments from the group date: Ames informs Ashley that “I was really unpopular until I was 16.” Really, Ames? I am shocked. Incidentally, he delivered that one while wearing pink pants.

At the end of the day, Ash ended up sending home Ryan, which made me really sad but made sense. Ryan has all the wonder of a little kid; he finds joy in literally everything, and he’s positive about everything, which is charming in the short-term but wears on you, and the two never really had good chemistry. She also sent home Lucas, which was a good deal more surprising – the Southern gent had finally started to grow on me.

The episode ended with Ashley crying, and absolutely no one was surprised.

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