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Top Headlines: April Fools Day

As part of The Daily’s April Fools’ Day prank, these stories in today’s issue are fictional. The people and content in those stories are made-up.

 

Campus construction to expand, slow down and become louder

Residents of Stern Hall have been informed via email that construction occurring on Galvez Street will continue through spring quarter with “slower, but substantially louder progress.”

The Galvez construction, which has been underway at the intersection of Arguello and Bowdoin Streets since early 2013, is scheduled for completion in 2017, when current Stern freshmen will graduate. To meet the new, extended deadline, construction is anticipated to progress at a rate of four square centimeters of road per week.

One resident expressed his happiness that construction will start and end with his generation.

“I first heard it when I stayed at Burbank during Admit Weekend when it was on Arguello, and now living in Serra, it’s right by my side! I love it!” said Charlie McFadden ’17.

Construction workers stressed that, as with everything on Stanford’s campus, they are partnering with local wildlife organizations to leave as little impact as possible.

“We’re partnering with the birds that wake up at 4:30 a.m. to keep residents up 24/7,” said Patrick Smith, one construction worker on what is essentially a job-creation project. “The birds start chirping at 4:30 and go on until about 6 a.m. which is when we take over. We like to start with the jackhammer to really just fill the still, quiet air with deafening, heart-stopping noise. It’s symbolic.”

Other dorms have expressed anger about Stern’s construction to residential services, saying that they too wish they had a consistent, unavoidable “pseudo-alarm clock” paid for by Stanford.

“We really would like to have this construction happen near our dorms too,” said one Wilbur premed resident. “I mean…it is just putting me behind Stern residents if they’re up every day at 6 a.m.”

Residential services stated that similar construction projects will be launched by Wilbur and Roble Halls by the start of next year, with projects for Lagunita Court to follow soon after.

“We really want to spread this equally to all of the dorms,” said Louis Thompson, residential services spokesperson. “And given that these projects are arbitrary and totally made up, it’s really easy. We just break open the street and repair it, so it’s a viable idea anywhere.”

 

Alleged LSJUMB Erhu player upset at lack of recognition

After cowbell player Alex Chang ’14 shot to fame last week on the back of his vigorous performances during Stanford men’s basketball’s run to the Sweet Sixteen, erhu player Joe Smith ’14 expressed anger at the lack of recognition he has received for his dynamic role in the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band.

According to Smith, he has been consistently placed in the back of the band – behind even the tuba players – and generally overlooked by his peers.

“Joe Smith? Doesn’t sound familiar,” said trumpet player Cathy Greenwald ’16. “What instrument does he play?”

Smith noted that most friends refuse to believe that he is part of the Band, and that his attempts to describe his instrument – a violin-like Chinese instrument with two strings and a bow – are generally met with blank stares.

“It gives that oriental feel to all of our pieces,” Smith explained. “It’s also very versatile. I can play anything from the Stanford fight song to Taylor Swift’s ‘22.’”

Smith also objected to the fact that despite the overpowering prominence of Chang’s instrument, the conductor always asks for “more cowbell.”

“The cowbell just drowns everyone else out,” Smith said. “No one ever says ‘I could’ve used a little more erhu.’”

To help bring awareness about his role, Smith is planning the Band’s next gig, which has been scheduled for the Stanford Dragonboat team’s next race.

 

Office of Undergraduate Admissions to bring admit rate to zero

The Office of Undergraduate Admission announced earlier this month that it plans to gradually cut the University’s admit rate over time until eventually attaining a rate of zero percent.

The plan, appropriately dubbed “#WinningUSNews,” will continue a consistent downward trend in Stanford’s admit rates and will take approximately one decade to complete.

“It’s a work of genius,” said a University admissions officer who asked not to be identified. “Because none of the nation’s other top schools will see it coming. Bam – we got ‘em.”

“This new admissions plan truly embodies the spirit of innovation we promote here at Stanford,” added a colleague. “It’s unlike anything the world of higher education has ever seen.”

When asked what the University will do after admissions comes to a standstill, the colleague declined to offer specifics, instead shrugging his shoulders.

“Die Luft der Freiheit weht – wherever the wind of freedom takes me,” he replied, grinning.

A complete overhaul of the “holistic admissions process” will accompany the decrease in admit rates, with alterations to the current process having been piloted in recent years.

“The lottery system won’t be that different from the ultimately planned selection process,” the admissions source reassured The Daily.

 

Arrillaga to build new reproductive center

Stanford announced plans on Monday for the construction of a multipurpose reproductive center, with completion scheduled for 2015.

The center, made possible by a $69 million donation from philanthropist John Arrillaga ’60, will be called the Arrillaga Family Semen Center. The new facility will have 45 individual donating booths, outfitted with the latest semen receiving technology.

After noticing numerous ads in The Daily soliciting sperm donors and meeting with students to discuss concerns about the current sperm donating process, Arrillaga decided to donate the funds necessary to build the state-of-the-art facility.

Several University administrators, speaking on condition of anonymity, noted that the opening of the facility would be coupled with the release of a new app to help connect sperm donors and individuals seeking sperm. The app, tentatively named Jackr, will use profiles and questionnaires to match individuals.

Administrators noted, however, that the plan had received pushback from Vaden officials, who had expressed concern that the center would reduce their stranglehold on reproductive health.

  • Former Sternian

    As a former resident of Stern, I can confirm the reported partnership between the birds and construction.