I’ve promised my readers some critical journalism, and I swear that it’s coming, but research for these things exhausts a surprising amount of time. So while we wait for the magma to erupt, I figure it’s about time that I introduce some levity into everybody’s life. I hate being a downer right during finals, so consider this your shot of adder- I mean, ampheta- I mean, caffeine – unless you have a prescription for those other substances that absolutely nobody illegally abuses here.
Just last week, the 2013 class presidents released a “Senior Spring Bucket List.” It included old fan favorites like “12. Make a new best friend in your last quarter” (far enough into their post-Pizzeria wine-binge they’ll pour their heart out to you, just be careful about other things leaving their mouth); “27. Play sports with an Olympic athlete” (get humiliated/pull a hamstring); and “68. Sign up for alumni mailing lists – please keep in touch” (cut out the middleman and send them your account number and PIN).
Since the list is so laughably vanilla, I thought that I’d go through as much of it as I can in print, modify the sanctioned activities and thereby introduce the:
First (and Last) Annual Brady’s Senior Spring Bucket List!
“1. Plan your last quarter of classes” – Wine tasting, super beer tasting (at Haus Mitt, look it up), recreational narcotics consumption, CEE 289: Random Vibrations, IHUM.
“6. Sleep somewhere outdoors on campus” – Never been sexiled THAT hard. On the bright side, you have raccoons to cuddle with.
“7. Watch the sunrise from the Dish” – with your new raccoon lover.
“8. Stargaze from the middle of Lake Lag” – So it IS possible to get malaria in the United States.
“9. Go on a road trip” – Drop out of school to do so and take the 10,000:1 chance that you’ll become Ken Kesey.
“10. Skinny dip in a fountain” – Two words: yeast infection.
“14. Cement that one faculty you’ll keep in touch with” – Put a ring on it.
“18. Attend an obscure musical performance” – Hippie drum circle at Synergy doesn’t count.
“19. Watch a sport you’ve never been to before” – Seriously, the squash program needs money, y’all.
“22. Meet a Nobel laureate” – Thoroughly embarrass yourself and them by showing up in a giraffe costume.
“26. Write a letter to the Daily” – Plagiarize me.
“28. Share [more than] memories at Senior Dinner on the Quad” – Drink too much in front of your parents, sneak away and share spit with a rando in the History Corner.
“30. Donate blood” – in a Satanic mass to the almighty ResEd.
“34. Pull one last all-nighter – for fun this time” – Do it in ResEd’s offices. Make s’mores over a campfire.
“36. Hook up in the stacks” – Have sex in the stacks. Alternatively, find aforementioned couples in the stacks and troll them with a pro-life protest. Get really awkward when they tell you they’re conceiving.
“37. Go to a speech by a famous person” – Watch the professor introducing them drone on for longer than the speaker (J.M. Coetzee talk, anybody?)
“38. Watch the sunset from the Bender Room” – Bring Mariachi Cardenal and see how long it takes you to get kicked out.
“43. Finally learn how to stop procrastinating” – Rescind your coterm acceptance.
“47. Listen to a final lecture at Class Day Lecture” – Fall asleep in the front row.
“54. Ride the Marguerite” – Margaritas on the Marguerite.
“57. Invent your own drinking game” – Name it: “one drink for every one of the original items in this bucket list that I DON’T want to do”…end up in a meeting with Ralph Castro in April.
“59. Attend a party in every Row house” – Note: a hot prowl =/= a party.
“60. Explore a building you’ve never been to before” – Your professor’s house doesn’t count.
“63. Have a moment of peace [pipe] at Baccalaureate.”
“67. Find an alternative mode of transportation to class” – Warning: I was fined $300 for hitching my horse outside the History Corner. Also arrested for stealing “my” horse from the red barn.
“71. Play beach volleyball anywhere on campus” – Inside Hewlett 200 encouraged.
“74. Go to Trivia Night @ Rose and Crown” – Don’t go to Trivia Night @ Rose and Crown.
“77. Find [two people hooking up in] your secret spot on campus” – Go home and cry yourself to sleep.
“84. Get an apartment” – I hear they don’t put keycard scanners on the doors there.
“85. Call your RAs from Freshman Year” – Ask them if they’re still dating the residents that they started dating in June 2010.
“92. Try an Ike’s sandwich you’ve never had before” – Hint: they all taste the same.
“97. Take advantage of the free food and giveaways that are so many places!” – Find out what it’s like to be a raccoon.
“98. Spend time building something with your friends” – Beer can towers are pleb tier. Try erecting a horse stable on President Hennessy’s lawn.
“100. Graduate!” – Coterm.
Have some more ideas for how Taylor can attempt to get himself expelled before June? Want to help him fill out the rest of this list? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.