Can you read this article without your hand or eye twitching uncontrollably? If yes, you probably don’t drink enough coffee. And if you can’t, then shine on, you crazy diamond. Either way, this guide to getting coffee on campus is for you.

Coupa Café — Moonbeans may have left footprints on my heart that will never fade, but that shabby little kiosk with a primo location right outside Green Library is now home to the Venezuelan-influenced Coupa Café. Coupa’s cool because Mark Zuckerberg was holding a coffee cup with their logo during “The Social Network.” Coupa’s sort of un-cool because their Twitter explains that they feature food “with the philosophy of the modern slow food movement promoting organic and fair trade” — a whole bunch of empty jargon that reminds you that you’re maybe paying more than you should for the premium of the fussy Coupa brand name. It redeems itself in the end, though, because the coffee’s pretty good, especially if you like super dark roasts.

Fraiche — Most people associate Fraiche with frozen yogurt, but they also have what’s unquestionably the best coffee on campus. The tiny outpost at Tresidder serves drip coffee from the Blue Bottle Roasting Company in Oakland. It’s a roastery founded and run by a coffee connoisseur who was sick of the Starbucks-ification of coffee drinking, where people care more about which sickly sweet syrups to inject in their lattes than about the actual coffee beans themselves. Blue Bottle focuses on sourcing exceptionally high-quality beans, which they get to consumers within 48 hours of roasting. They also stipulate that anyone who sells Blue Bottle Coffee prepare each cup individually, so you’re guaranteed to be drinking fresh, unadulterated coffee — although it can take forever to prepare.

CoHo — As one might guess from a place whose name is an abbreviation of “coffee house,” the CoHo has good coffee. It’s also really convenient and quick, because the non-espresso drinks are self-service. They even get bonus points for being a nice place to sit and drink your coffee, which contributes to the convenience of the experience. My only real problem with the CoHo is that they also serve decaffeinated coffee, a product that is a blemish on Western society.

The Bookstore — Coffee at the Stanford bookstore only costs 50 cents. Then again, scooping up a cup of mud and drinking it doesn’t cost anything and probably tastes better. Only drink this if your coffee budget consists of loose change you found on the ground, you like the idea of consuming toxic sludge, or if you are irrevocably in love with a Bookstore employee and need any excuse to see him or her.

Brew Your Own — Someone once unhelpfully pointed out that I waste a lot of time and money in pursuit of coffee and could just brew my own in the comfort of my dorm room. It’s an interesting idea; I actually even bought (well, bummed off a friend) my own coffee maker in response. Unfortunately, brewing coffee in your room makes the entire room smell like coffee for hours. Also, my early morning un-caffeinated state is not competent enough for complex tasks that require fine motor skills; the scalding burns just weren’t worth it in the end. Still, it’s fun to pick out your own coffee beans and have an excuse to buy cute mugs at Anthropologie. The ideal situation might be finding a neighbor who will make you coffee in their room every morning and bear the associated costs.